It’s the end of another year and the beginning of a new. The end of the year is an invitation to look forward. It’s like graduating. (Which, coincidentally, I did do 12/19/22! 🎉) Advancing to the next level. Or, perhaps, it can be. And before looking forward, I want, need, deserve and even yearn to look back. Okay, maybe not so much the last one. But now that I did a lil bit of reflecting back, I’m yearning for even more of it.
“Be your own Santa!”
One of my patients at work this week told me that. “Be your own Santa?!” I echoed. And you know what? He’s right! For moi, self care is self love in action— it’s giving myself what I need when and how I need it. Who else can do that for me but me?!
So this year, for Christmas, I’m gifting myself the gift of solitude and reflection. To take it one big step further, this year, I’m choosing to spend Christmas by myself! I was invited to spend it with others, don’t get me wrong. When I choose to be a loner, it’s by choice. Ha! Sure, I could’ve spent it with others but I choose solitude. I’m choosing myself. I’m choosing me. But really, I’m choosing God.
You can’t please people and please God. Sometimes, disappointing people is pleasing God. I don’t know why, but I do know that this season I’m in calls for quiet and rest. To hear my thoughts- God’s thoughts in me requires quiet.
I could spend it with my family, of course. I actually was planning to spend it with family… Until today. On Christmas Eve I woke up and thought “But I don’t wanna!” so now, I’m not! And if I’m keeping it a hunnid as the young whippersnappers say (aka being completely truthful with myself and with you), then I would’ve said no last week when my family asked but I felt like other people wanted or needed me to say yes. I turned my no into a yes and in the 11th hour had to turn my forced yes back into the no I knew I needed.
I could spend Christmas day doing a lot of things. But holidays are what I make of them. And for me, they’re for love and freedom and rest. For celebrating however I choose to celebrate. And this year, I’m choosing to gift that to myself. This year, I’m choosing to spend Christmas day alone, not lonely.
I used to be scared of spending time alone because I was so desperately lonely. I’d always have noise going in the background. Music, the TV, a podcast. Something, anything to fill the physical space I was in in an effort to drown out the mental, emotional, spiritual noise. (Did you catch the judgment in that? I called it noise, not even the neutral sounds!) Anything to distract me from what I knew I needed to hear but wasn’t yet ready to.
And yet, what I know now is the closer I get to God, the less lonely I feel. The closer and stronger my relationship with God is, the more full and alive and fulfilled I am! Now, I know may be alone but I am never lonely.
So this year, I gifted myself the gift of the freedom of other people’s expectations by saying no.
I’m ambivalent about spending time with others today. Isn’t Christmas about spending time with family? No! It’s what I make it. It’s really and truly about the freedom and liberation I get from being in relationship with JC. So who knows what’ll happen today! I might stop by my family’s afterwards to say hi. Invite a friend over for dinner. Go to a friend’s house for dinner. Just to see somebody and to be seen.
What I know now at 40 is I get to choose. I have the power and freedom of choice. Which, btw, is God given. Either way, I’m winning!
Miracles
So today, I choose to spend today how I want to. And every time I spend my time how I know God wants me to spend my time, miracles happen. So today, I await miracles. Everyday, I await miracles.
And can I be honest? I’m a miracle! We’re all miracles!
When babies are born, we cry with joy, excitement and high hopes for their future, and their safe, healthy arrival. So yeah, I might be 40 but I’m also a miracle! What if we all believed we were miracles? What if we all believed in the miracle of life, not just for babies, but for adults, too?
What am I doing today?
Today, I work on and engage with healing the parts of myself that I know need and deserve to be healing. Writing certainly helps. Being in (virtual) community helps.
Today, I write to reflect on this year.
Today, I celebrate Jesus’ birth and the liberation and freedom that I have access to because of it.
Today, I choose peace, love, freedom, healing, work, and rest.
Today I choose to eat deliciously and nutritiously. For breakfast: homemade french toast but first, I gotta make homemade skillet bread! For dinner, homemade: oven roasted jerk chicken (in the cast iron because er’thing tastes better inna it!), collard greens, corn fritters, a banging salad, and apple pie compliments of one Mrs. Marie Callender and pistachio ice cream compliments of Mr. Ben and his friend Mr. Jerry.
Oh, and laundry. Because I’m an adult and I still (always?!) gots laundry ta do.
