f Love Keeps Costing You Yourself, It’s Not Love—Here’s What To Do

I used to think love was something you fall into. That love was this magical, effortless thing—like gravity would just pull you toward the right person, and suddenly, everything would make sense.

But here’s the thing about falling: it’s accidental. It’s unintentional. And more often than not, when something falls, it hurts.

I don’t want to fall in love. I want to rise in it.

Because love—real, lasting, true, unshakable love—isn’t found in falling. Love simply is.

How do I know?

“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

1 John 4:8 (NIV)

It’s right there: God is love.

Love is not something we chase. It’s not something we work to attain. It’s something we learn to be. To embody.

After all, I am a Black woman. (Which, don’t make me put my teacher hat on, but trust me when I say that the verb to be is conjugated like this: I am, you are, he/she is, we are, they are.) Who I am is what I embody. I am a Black woman. That’s not ever gonna change!

Love Without a Foundation Will Always Crumble

When I was younger, I thought I had fallen in love. But the truth is, I was immature. It was what I knew love to be at the time. I didn’t know what love actually was. I didn’t love myself well, so I mistook intensity for intimacy and emotion for commitment.

I chased love, hoping once I found it, it would make me whole.

But love—true love—cannot be chased. Because love without a foundation isn’t love at all—it’s adrenaline. It’s fleeting, unstable, and it crumbles the moment it’s tested.

And when I didn’t love myself fully, relationships that ended felt like proof that I was unworthy.

But the truth is, the love I wanted could never come from the outside first. It had to start with me.

I can’t give what I don’t have. I have to love myself—to give myself love—before I can give it to anyone else. And when I don’t love myself well, I accept love that is less than. Love that is poor. Love that struggles.

What We Chase in Love Often Reflects What We Lack in Ourselves

I spent years hoping love would find me—believing that if I could just be good enough, lovable enough, worthy enough, then someone would choose me.

But I was chasing something I didn’t even know how to give to myself.

I was chasing something without first choosing myself.

And when you don’t love yourself first, love always feels like something just out of reach. It hurts. It’s painful.

Because when I didn’t trust myself, I second-guessed people who actually were showing up for me. When I regularly broke my own promises, I accepted inconsistency from others. When I didn’t respect my own time, my own needs, my own boundaries, I let people trample over them without hesitation. I accepted it. I tolerated it. And to some extent, I even welcomed it.

We crave love deeper and harder than we crave water, food, and air—even when we don’t always know the source of what we’re thirsty for.

So we chase validation when we don’t validate ourselves. We crave attention when we don’t give ourselves care. We demand consistency from others when we don’t keep our own word.

But love isn’t something we find. Love is who we are.

This is why we keep losing ourselves in love: because we search for something outside of us that can only be found within.

And when I stopped waiting for love to complete me and started rising in it instead, everything changed.

When I stopped waiting for love from others to find me, I choose myself. And baaaby, who I am is oh so very good!

Falling in Love vs. Rising in Love

Falling in love is passive. It happens to you.
Rising in love is active. It’s something you choose, create, and nurture.

Falling in love is built on excitement.
Rising in love is built on consistency.

Falling in love is unsafe and dangerous.
Rising in love feels safe, secure, and unwavering.

Falling in love is like a rush—it’s intense, unpredictable, addictive.
Rising in love feels like coming home.

The love I wanted—the kind that deepens over time instead of fading—could never come from chasing emotions alone.

It had to come from grounding myself first.

Love That Lasts Requires a Strong Foundation

If I build my sense of love and worth on:
❌ Whether someone texts me back
❌ Whether I feel “butterflies” or not
❌ Whether someone stays or leaves

then my love will always feel like a gamble. It will always be out of my control.

But, when I build my sense of self on love and worth on:
✅ how I treat myself in quiet moments,
✅ how I honor my own boundaries,
✅ how I show up for myself daily,

then my love is solid, unshakable, and secure.

Love isn’t about finding someone to make me whole.

True love is about recognizing, knowing, and understanding that I was never incomplete to begin with. True love is above choosing myself so I can choose others.

Stop Falling for Love: How to Rise in Love and Never Settle Again

This is why I don’t “fall in love” anymore.

I rise in it. I choose it. I decide on it. I choose to love me.

I love myself by doing what I say I’ll do. I love myself by honoring God first, and then myself. Sometimes that means walking away from what depletes me. And oftentimes by listening to my needs before expecting others to. It means allowing myself to feel my feelings. I love myself by creating. I love myself by crying. And I love myself by working to fulfill my hearts desires.

And the more I do this– the more I love myself– the more love I have to give. The better nurse, sister, sisterfriend, auntie, peer, and person I am. The bigger my life gets. The more fulfilled I am. The more relaxed I am. The more my needs are met.

The more I love myself, the more I experience God.

And the more I experience God, the more I experience heaven on Earth.

This is Part Two in a series on love and self-trust. If you missed Part One, check it out here: Unshakable Love: How to Build Trust with Yourself and Transform Your Life.