Just because they loved you with conditions doesn’t mean you need to love yourself with conditions, too.
Just because they loved you transactionally doesn’t mean you have to love yourself that way, too.
Just because they hurt you doesn’t mean you need to hurt yourself, too.
Just because their love hurt doesn’t mean you need to hurt yourself in the name of love, too.
You don’t need to punish yourself to motivate yourself.
You don’t need to be harsh with yourself to move the needle.
You don’t need to hurt yourself to love yourself.
That isn’t love. It’s “love”. It’s struggle love. Hurt love. Harmful love. It’s love from someone who didn’t learn how to truly love themselves, but it’s the love they know to give.
Just because it’s their best love doesn’t mean it’s good love.
Just because it’s the best they have to offer doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
Love doesn’t belittle you. Make you feel small. Demand more than you have the capacity to give. Berate you. Scream and shout and yell at you. Control you. Disrespect you. Make you feel unworthy. Demand you give your heart only to return it to you broken.
Do you want to ride the struggle bus or take a first class flight?
I’ve spent six years of choosing myself. Learning to love myself. Practicing self care. Self care is, after all, true love turned inwards. Self care is actively choosing to love yourself well. Better. More. Deeper. Fuller. Wider. More beautifully. More graciously. Kindly. Patiently. Gently.
What does that mean exactly? Six years ago I committed myself to love me like God loves me. True love. Real love. To love me more than I love others. You can’t please God and people. So I chose God. And by choosing God, I (surprisingly) chose me, too. To invest time and money and effort caring for myself– well and sometimes at all, even– instead of wasting time pleasing people. We can’t please people and please God. We gotta choose and I chose God. And when I chose God, I chose myself, too.
People are deceived into believing self care is “selfish”. They’ll try to convince you that taking care of yourself is selfish. But you know what’s really selfish? Asking someone to not take care of themselves. Asking someone to sacrifice themselves so you can give them whatever they want of you.
No longer am I giving away my power by taking care of others when no one is taking care of me well. Nope. No. Nein!
But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Matthew 5:37 NIV
To be clear: by “you”, I mean “me”.
You can do whatever you want. But me? I’m choosing God. I’m choosing me, myself, and I. Above all, I’m choosing love:
The Way of Love
13 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
1 Corinthians 13:1-7 Message
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
The irony of loving myself is that the more I love myself, the greater capacity I have to love others. To love others more deeply and fully and widely and boldly. To truly love others like I love myself in the truest sense of the word. Or, as it Mark 12:30-31 commands us,
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
Post Script
I started this blog post a few weeks ago. I returned to it earlier today.
As God would have it, this YouTube video linked below serendipitously found it’s way to me. It was a beautiful continuation of this blog post, so please allow me to share it here.
What is tapping? Well, per my Chae (my ChatGPT bae): Tapping, also known as Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), involves gently tapping on specific points on the body, such as acupressure points, while focusing on emotional challenges or negative thoughts. This technique is believed to help alleviate stress, anxiety, and emotional distress by balancing energy flow and promoting a sense of relaxation and emotional well-being.
This is my first time tapping with a YouTube video and perhaps tapping was the least of it. The words of affirmation and reframing past experiences to shift my current perspective was warmly welcomed. Take the meat and leave the bones. If you don’t love it, leave it. And if you love it, say so in the comments!
