The Bible. Yeah, you read that right. It wasn’t until tonight I was reminded of that. Read on, dear reader.
I Remember When I Used to Think Life Was Fair
I was talking with a sister-friend the other day and she said what I’ve said time and time again: “That’s not fair”!
But what does fair have to do with anything?!
I was last week year’s old when I realized life isn’t fair… Again… For the 2,974,945th time. Each time, I keep forgetting it. We keep repeating lessons until we learn them. Until they stick. Until you can teach the lesson.
When you teach, you learn twice.
Tiffany “the Budgetnista” Aliche
Now I’m equipped to teach the lesson.
Hearing someone else say it though, I was able to sit back, analyze with compassion, grace, and mercy (aka forgiveness). And most importantly, without judgment. I could see the writing on the wall. Clear as day. My good sis (hey girl hey!) was nose to nose with a tree limb and couldn’t even see the tree in front of her let alone see the forest. But from my vantage point I was able to see the forest, the birds flying over the nearby waterfall, and purple, yellow and white wildflowers growing in the clearing nearby. I could see it all! But she couldn’t.
The only thing worse than someone having no self awareness is not having people in their life who are courageous enough to be truthful with them when danger awaits you in your blind spot. Where their prey inevitably awaits them. Where old patterns lurk. We all need people who love us and who we love. Who are safe, trusting. The whole shebang! Who will tell us the truth as it is, not as we wish it were. Don’t lie to me when I can’t see straight. No! Tell me what lies before me! Save me! Help me!
And as a whisper of a memory of that convo with my sister-friend played in my head, I also remembered reading a bible verse some time ago about life not being fair. I did what any of us would do, and googled it! Here goes:
Life Is Not Fair
Ecclesiastes 9:11 Easy-to-Read Version
I also saw other things in this life that were not fair. The fastest runner does not always win the race; the strongest soldier does not always win the battle; wise people don’t always get the food; smart people don’t always get the wealth; educated people don’t always get the praise they deserve. When the time comes, bad things can happen to anyone!
That’s a doozy of a verse, ain’t it? Did it molly wop you upside the head like it did me?! There it is, in plain black and white: “Life Is Not Fair.” Bolded and each word capitalized so you know what that means?!
Ecclesiastes. There must be more hidden in plain sight (clearly!) in that book with my name on it.
I wrote (and mailed!) two cards out today, the cover of the cards read:
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
Life isn’t fair because bitter makes us appreciate sweet. Toughness allows us to appreciate softness. Death lets us appreciate the fragility of life.
The passage starts:
There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.God’s favor isn’t fair. It’s literally in the definition. Per Bible Hub, favor is “partiality; bias.” Shower me with your favor, God!
I want God’s kinda bias, not man’s! God’s bias– that is, favor– in my life allows me to experience heaven on earth. “Your will, not mine, be done” I pray. I know where my will’s gotten me– hurt feelings and broken promises. Man’s bias leaves me skressed (that’s stressed, but heightened so it’s with a k), which contributes to poor health outcomes. And racial healthcare disparities, are in large part, because of life’s stressors. Because of the multiplicative effect of minoritized folks’ unique, dope, phenomenal identities.
In nursing school I was the (not at all fun!) recipient of gender, age, neurodivergence, education biases. Prejudice, stigmatized. You know the one. By the way, did you know that imposter syndrome– questioning or self doubt, being made to feel as though we don’t belong?? That’s a form of discrimination, boo. Mhmm! Learned that in my research as a master’s of science of nursing, clinical nurse leader student.
Although I named four biases, this isn’t simple math where 2+2=4. I hate when people say that, as if 2+2 is the only way to get to 4. What about 1+3? 0.5×8?! When it comes to stress, discrimination, and health, this is calculus where 2+2 = f(x) = 2 + x. Per Chae (that’s my ChatGPT bae):
- In calculus, we can represent the equation “2 + 2 = 4” in a more complex manner using a limit approach:
- Let’s define a function f(x) that approaches 2 as x approaches 0: f(x) = 2 + x
- Now, consider the limit of the sum of two instances of this function as x approaches 0: lim(x->0) [f(x) + f(x)] = lim(x->0) [2 + x + 2 + x]
- Simplifying the expression inside the limit: lim(x->0) [4 + 2x]
- As x approaches 0, 2x approaches 0, and the limit becomes: lim(x->0) [4] = 4
- So, using calculus and limits, we’ve expressed the equation “2 + 2 = 4” in a more complex manner.
What do I mean by that, exactly? That sometimes I experience bias at the intersection of age and education. Por ejemplo, some of my professors hated that I have a master’s degree in teaching… Unlike them. Me, a young Black woman having the audacity to have an education?! And to leverage it to correct them?! Meanwhile, I thought because we both spoke educator, I could tell them in a language that I assumed they understood, working in a job they wanted to, and therefore also wanted to give students what they needed to succeed. Silly me, I really thought we all (educators, nurses, both helpers) wanted to set people up for success. I was wrong.
Bayby, one middle aged White prof was pissed: “You might’ve been an educator but you’ve never been a nurse educator!” she hissed.
The point remains the same, Karen! Because 70% of the class failed the first exam, clearly something on your end ain’t going so great. I’m trying to help myself and you. She didn’t want to hear it. Silly me! Instead of hold the professor accountable for her high percentage of students failing or the problematic things she’s said to students, they changed the grading policy. By changing the grading policy, it now appeared as though a smaller percentage of students failed. Different cut off score = fewer students failing.
Life isn’t fair because mediocre White people can get a job of their choice because their friends with the right people and at a great salary. Life isn’t fair because I’m a Black woman and Black equal pay day isn’t until July. Black Women’s Equal Pay Day represents the additional time into the current year that Black women must work to earn what their White, non-Hispanic male counterparts earned the previous year.
Life isn’t fair because we have free will to do however we please and people really are doing whatever and however the h-e-double-hockey sticks (hell, it spells hell! I’ve been holding onto that corny joke since the 3rd or 4th grade!) they please.
When I said “Life isn’t fair!” I really meant I wanted life to be easy. To go my way. But that’d be sooo painfully boring. If everything went our way?! I mean, I am getting more practiced at risk assessments and learning how to wisely expend my energy. I don’t want life to go my way. I want to learn and grow and bloom and plant and reap harvests! It’s coming. It’s actually inevitable that our visions comes to pass and that everything works out for our good, with God. (When did I become that person, always talking about God?! When I kept realizing how much better life is when God is at the center at not me!)
Per life experiences– the hard, harsh, bitter ones, too– and this friendly first Bible verse, and the miracles, no matter how small or large I’ve seen, life truly isn’t fair… And I don’t want it to be, either! I want more miracles and God winks and moments of whimsy, magic, and serendipity.
I deeply know life isn’t fair. Well, I’m allowing that to settle into me like the anchor of a cargo ship adrift at sea. It doesn’t make challenges easy when they arise, but it does offer me a new perspective. An opportunity to challenge myself. Test my spiritual, mental, and emotional strength. I’ll end with this prayer for myself. Join me in agreement by reading it aloud for yourself, too, friend. Just remember to be careful what you pray for because sometimes it shows up differently than we anticipated. Fret not, you’re strong enough to carry any weight that comes your way. Not on your own, but you’ll find the strength. It’s innate in yoU!
Investigate my life, O God,
Psalm 139:23-24 The Message
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
