*trigger warning-this post talks about molestation*
Not forgiving yourself will keep you stuck more so than not forgiving others.
Eh-hem, cough, cough. Let me re-phrase.
If you don’t forgive yourself, you will stay stuck.
That’s it. That’s the blog.
It’s not really, but I wish it were. If I talk about it, that means I gotta be about it, and that usually involves change. Change is an action word, and I’m tired, lol.
Truth is, both forgiveness and the inability to forgive inhibit interpersonal relationships and growth and how we level up in life. Like most human behaviors, it is far easier for us to say things to others, than to do them ourselves. Humans love a good dose of “do as I say, not as I do”.
Speaking of ‘do as I do’; let me go on and use ‘I’ statements the rest of this post. We love a “we” or “us” generalization because there is safety in numbers and in not feeling like the you’re only one. I am choosing to take some accountability through this post. Perhaps you’ll find a nugget to take with you or see some of yourself reflected in it, but regardless, I need to move the needle on some things.
We hear about forgiveness all the time, right?
“Forgiveness is for yourself not others.”
“To err is human, to forgive is divine.” *insert side eye here* Blah, blah, blah.
It’s the moving the needle that becomes sticky in life. I picked up a lot of bad emotional habits in childhood. Things like shrinking myself to not be seen, not being able to hold clear boundaries, people pleasing, and taking on unnecessary blame. These are the kinds of behaviors I have to fight regularly as an adult. A lot of that is tied into not forgiving myself for things I couldn’t control as a child. Through rational adult eyes and experience, I have forgiven some of the folks who may have caused the hurt, yet haven’t always extended myself the same grace. An example is the complicated relationship I had with my mother. Talking about my mom at this juncture can get a little tricky, because I just lost her last year, but some of my feelings of guilt and private unforgiveness I hold about her passing, are tied to emotions from my childhood. Without a long-drawn-out explanation, in general, the idea is that I have forgiven my mom for doing the best she could with the tools she had while raising me, yet as a mom, I blame and hold myself responsible for some of the choices and decisions my adult child makes. What goes around comes around, I suppose. When I (when we) don’t forgive, have you noticed the scenarios play over and over in your head with different endings? Things you could have, should have, or would have done differently? A lesson repeats itself until learned.
A personal but good example of non-forgiveness (a conscious choice not to forgive) is the unresolved anger I had towards the person who molested me that lasted well into my adulthood. While on the surface it makes sense that I hadn’t forgiven that person (for obvious reasons)- the baggage and self-blame that came with it colored many of my decisions- which in turn, affected my growth and development and led to consequences I’m still living with to this day. Self-blame is a normal function of shame, even if the shame was not yours! I did nothing more than exist as a female child which will never be enough to justify what happened to me, but I tried for a very long time to figure out just that- why me? I blamed family for not knowing it was happening. I blamed God for allowing it. In the end I blamed myself for not speaking up. It made sense to me to blame myself because I didn’t do anything to help anyone help me. I took on all kinds of shame that wasn’t mine to take on. The thing about both feelings of forgiveness and non-forgiveness that are tied directly back to shame, is they often come with a twisted sense of logic or rationale for why you should or shouldn’t.
Know it’s always a conscious choice. A decision. I find myself at times making excuses for both why I should forgive and in the next breath why I won’t. The use of won’t is a deliberate foil to can’t. Technically, I can do all things through our God who strengthens me. But do I want to?? Usually not. Because forgiveness is work. It’s tears and sweat and hurt. What I have come to realize is this: by forgiving myself, and them, I set myself free from guilt and resentment about holding on to guilt and resentment, and then I’m not second guessing myself about the choices I make. You might have to read that again. I had to say it to myself twice for it to really sink in. By forgiving myself, I set myself free from guilt and resentment about holding on to guilt and resentment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what they did was right. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I must accept the behavior or even that I’m accepting the outcomes and consequences of what was done. Forgiveness is in fact, an indicator that what was is no longer what is going to be. It means I can move the needle from the past into the now, and, into the future. I’m not stuck.
Be well. You matter.
Read more of my writing on my personal blog or the Well Project blog.