Many of us have been taught that love conquers all. That if someone truly loves us, we should endure any pain or mistreatment from them. But the truth is, “love” alone is not enough – we must have mutual care, respect, and trust for a relationship to be healthy. Some people have redefined love and upon closer examination, we see that love to them is transactional. And I have yet to read that in the Good Book!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
The above passage describes what true love looks like: patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hopeful, unending. But hurt people often cannot love others this way. Or at least not for long. Their wounds– the emotional, invisible, and/or unaddressed wounds– lead them to hurt others, even those they profess to love. Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse from a stranger is never justified. And yet somehow, from a partner, family member, or friend we are often told to turn the other cheek as if abuse is acceptable because of a familial or chosen relationship. Or perhaps because we’ve been in relationship with that person for decades.
Let me be clear: abuse is never justified, no matter how much love the abuser professes.
Abusers may genuinely believe they love. There’s no doubt that they do! And they’ll even put on a big show. But I don’t want grandoise gestures. The smallest things matter the most. Did you think about me when you were out? Get me what you know I’d like or appreciate? Did you text/ call just to say hi? They even use religious language or Bible verses to justify abusive behavior. But love is a commandment and a decision that requires compassionate action, not only grandiose gestures and empty, harmful or damaging words. If someone repeatedly causes you pain or violates your boundaries, their “love” rings hollow. Perhaps not for them, but for us on the receiving end.
Setting boundaries with abusive or hurtful people is an act of self-love.
It says “I matter too.” We are all worthy of patience, kindness and respect. We deserve to feel safe and cherished in all our relationships. After all,
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31 New International Version
To me, that means after I love God with er’thing I got, I’m to love others. The world says love others more than yourself. But the bible is countercultural. The bible clearly states that I need to “love my neighbor as myself”. Which to me means in order to love others, I need to first love myself. And to be completely honest, I love myself with boundaries! It’s funny how people don’t want you to have boundaries with them, but if I love my neighbors as myself, then I’ll have boundaries with them, too. When will people stop bastardizing boundaries?? After all, boundaries keep us safe! I no longer eat McDonalds 2x/ week and order 2 meals which I eat in isolation. No, babes. The more I loved God, the more I loved myself and the more I realized that that wasn’t the way to go. So I lovingly– patiently, kindly– created boundaries for myself to keep me safe and healthy. What once was 2 Big Macs and a large fries for dinner on a weekly basis turned into a fish sammie with extra tartar sauce and medium fries on maybe a monthly basis, and then not at all. Because what kind of fish is it really?! Now I just stick to the fries! But I di-Jo.
Jesus had boundaries and so do I!
-me
Creating distance from an abusive person doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It means we choose to love ourselves first. To refuse to tolerate mistreatment. We can still love and pray for them well from afar. The path of boundary-setting and self-protection is difficult but necessary. It takes courage to say “enough.” It takes courage to choose your own healing over the comfort of others. It takes courage to prioritize your health (mental, emotional, financial, etc.) over their wants.
Now I don’t know about your God, but I do know that my God does not intend for me to stay in harmful, damaging relationships. It’s taken me years to listen to my intuition. Also known as to the God within me. If a situation consistently brings me more pain than peace, I’ve learned to create some space. To surround myself with people who actually love as the bible commands, teaches, and models us to. To surround myself with people who build me up. We deserve to be loved deeply and well.
Practicing self-care when others expect us to accept poor or mistreatment takes courage and determination. We’ve been taught to put others first, even at our own expense. Especially at our own expense. But God calls us to love ourselves too – to be gentle, protective, and hopeful towards our own hearts. Honor your need for safety and nurturing. Don’t let others guilt or shame you for establishing the boundaries. Boundaries that for some reason, they so desperately desire to cross.
It’s odd, sad, and unfortunate that some pervert God’s Word and twist me own to justify abuse (verbal, emotional, financial, etc.), while Scripture calls for maturity, patience and care. We deserve to be cherished and respected. Though no one’s love is perfect (mine included!), true love builds up; it doesn’t tear down. The more we seek and find God, the more we love ourselves and others with wisdom and grace.
My hope and prayer
May we mature into greater emotional health and personal accountability. May we accept ourselves in our entirety, including our mistakes and the feelings of others we’ve hurt along the way, while extending grace and compassion to others on their journey. (Extend yourself grace, but don’t overextend yourself.) May we be willing to seek and inevitably find deeper connection with ourselves, each other, and our Creator. Amen.
