Twenty minutes is all it took. Twenty. Measly. Minutes.
Tuesday
On Tuesday a friend told me to change how I pray. She went gentle and soft. Precisely how I like people to ease me into something that could be hard. We catch more birds with honey, or whatever. “Maybe instead of asking God to remove things out of your way that aren’t for you, ask him to show you what’s yours. Because what can you learn when things are moved out of your way?” Sis stays schooling me. Which makes sense because she’s basically always wanted to be a teacher. (You see what I did there?! 😂) It it makes dollars, it makes sense, and I cashed in.
Wednesday
On Wednesday morning, I got a rejection from a raggedy job. One that I actually wanted. Raggedy because I thought this was clear but– hello, they rejected me. Moi?! Tuh! It stung because 1- I got an offer at the other location months prior so I assumed this’d be a cake walk. 2- In addition to the email they sent me, they sent a video with someone… Wait for it… Reading the very same thing they put in the email. Great, now they think I’m illiterate?! 🙄🤣 (I would say I don’t know why I’m like this buuut I’m made in God’s image and humor is good medicine so I guess I heal with humor, too! Nurse Joval stays ready to serve! 👩🏾⚕️😂🤣)
Also on Wednesday morning, I spoke with someone about the phrase “let go and let God”. “I’m trying, but sometimes it’s like God doesn’t hear me! I know he’s with me, and goes before me in everything I do, and yet, it’s just not working out!” I whined said. Soon after, I told another friend “I just need to let myself have a moment to feel these feelings and then move on because this ain’t it.” Once I vocalized it and the words landed, I knew the “feeling” was disappointment. I was, indeed, discouraged. And I also knew not to stay there:
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
As soon as I remembered the verse, I changed my attitude. Yes, attitude! I called someone who encouraged me. Pro tip: when you’re feeling discouraged and need to get courage, have someone encourage you! (We not gonna ease past that all quick, fast, and in a hurry and pretend that that line wasn’t smooth as Irish salted butter, are we?!) When you can’t/ don’t wanna/ are unable to encourage unno self (that’s Jamaica patois for yourself, catch up!), make sure you have people in your corner who are eager to build you up instead of kicking you when you’re down. Need a person? Hollar! This is why I’m an award-winning coach! (Awards coming only from my clients, but still!)
Wednesday Still
On Wednesday afternoon, I got this email:
What’s the theme of the retreat, you ask? Thank you for asking!
Friday
On Friday morning, I told my therapist about this silent retreat I’m going to. She asked me my intentions for the weekend, what I hoped to get out of it. I told her and er’body who’d listen: to write out my updated life’s vision! “Great! And be open to whatever else God has for you.”
When one person says something, I listen. When two God fearing people who I trust say it, I lean in like the Tower of Pisa.
Friday Again
So here I am, at the retreat. Yeah, I brought my laptop, and what?! It’s NaNoWriMo and I thought maybe I’d be inspired to add a lil razzle dazzle to the book I’m writing! 😬
Anywho, the retreat leader guides us into the silence:
- Who are you when you’re not doing?
- What do you need to let go of to let God invade you?
😳😳😳 When it starts all big and hot and heavy like so, you just know say it’s gonna be goodt! Yes, good with a t! (Don’t you just love how I flow from standard English to Jamaican patois to Ebonics in the same sentence?! That’s called talent, look it up! 😂)
So now, here’s a thiiiird person in one week telling me to, in no uncertain terms, and I quote “surrender expectations”?! Didn’t he know that I brought all of my carouches from home? My magazines and cut outs and poster board and glue and scissors and whatnot to make my vision board?!
But I’m listening. Once is cute, two is confirmation, three is… validation? No, three is actually the number of completion. All I know is speak Lord, your servant is listening. As I proofread this post, this time I actually read the retreat theme, in green above. It was there all along and I missed it– agendas. Don’t bring your agendas to God, it said! And I packed it all up in my cute Be Strong canvas bag, ready to roll!
Twenty Minutes is All it Took
I say 20 minutes, but it could’ve been less. Fewer? Shorter. Whatever.
I sat criss cross apple sauce in my chair, cupping my mug, hoping its warmth would radiate through my body. Eyes closed, ears open, listening to the crackling of the fireplace and the silence, so loud and beautiful. And it came to me:
“The thing I need to let go of is… Wait for it”, I wrote in my journal “…incompletion!”
Sure, that might be obvious to literally er’body else, but the truth of the matter is I don’t see my own patterns of behavior sometimes. None of us do! You ever have that friend who repeats the same terrible mistakes and then falls victim to their blindness, saying “I don’t know why/ how/ when this happened!” Welp:
- Why: because you did the same thing you been doing.
- How: because you don’t see what anyone else sees even though we’re looking at the same problem.
- When: The very moment you decided to do the same thing you usually do and yet you thought this time would yield you a different result!
Real talk? I was this friend in more ways than one. Wanna know how to test if your friends are mature? You know if you’re friends are mature if they tell you in love, of course, that you’re the problem. I used to be the blind, deaf and dumb friend. I also am now the friend that tells you. And if you play dumb, we low-key won’t be friends no more because life is too short to waste me listening to you complain when you have the power to make better decisions. Grow in your courage, sis! Dare to do it different! Dare to get better outcomes! Dare to invite God in! “More of you, less of me”, as I heard someone pray.
And That’s on Faith… and Science
Before you can change, you gotta be willing. And before you get willing, you gotta desire a different outcome. And if you desire a different outcome and think you can continue to think the same thinks you’ve always thought, or behave how you’ve always behaved, or responded to emotions the same way you always have, the only person you’ll fooling is you. It dang sure ain’t me!
So whole time I’ve been thinking “why isn’t my business growing leaps and bounds?!” I’ve been the “problem”! The best part? I’m also the solution! 🙌🏾🥳
- The problem: we cause most of our own suffering by not seeing things as what they actually are instead of what we were they were. (Babes, this is good medicine. Sometimes the truth, like healing, stings. Read on, dear reader!)
- The solution: complete creating more income generating ideas (the podcast, the positive affirmations, any of the numerous courses I’ve written) and watch as my reach expands, my impact is felt, and my income soars!
If I had to boil my “failures” in business down to one thing, it’s this: I don’t finish everything I start and I do, however, start a lot of things! 🙃 I write about this in my book, The Divine Within:
Water needs a container otherwise, it’ll just flow through your hands. And that’s what happens with our vision when we don’t have a container. When we don’t have a timeline. And it’s scary to set a timeline because what happens if you don’t achieve it? Okay, but what happens if you do?! Gentleness asks, but what happens if you do? It’s one of the fruits of the Spirit. I know we know what the Bible says. The question is: how do we live it out?
The Divine Within (working title), by me, Joval Webbe, MAT, MSN, RN (I’m paying a lotta money for a lotta years for those letters, so lemme flex ’em a lil, k?)
Sleep calleth, so Imma end with this:
I fight myself to finish what I start because I don’t always trust God to do what he said he gonna do. Baaaby, that’s ridiculous! You know the funny thing about speaking or writing my thoughts? Once I articulate them, once I give voice to them– not just toil with them in my head, but actually put them down on paper or type them out or say them aloud– I realize how egregiously inaccurate some of them are! “Loud and wrong” as someone I know used to say. And it’s so true! And it’s not just me (I’m unique, but not that unique!), it’s everyone! It’s our humanity. It’s all of my clients!
When I peel the layers back, it’s obviously deeper. It’s the questioning and the doubts. It isn’t that I doubt God, but I doubt myself. Can I maintain the very thing God gives me? Can I maintain abundance? Can I sustain prosperity? Can God entrust me with his best?!
This isn’t either, or, it’s yes, and.
Yes, and I know that because I’ve sustained other transformations.
Yes, and I know that because I trust God more then I trust my frail humanity.
Once I see something, I can’t unsee it. Once I know something, I can’t un-know it.
So for me personally? When the doubts come up as they do, I don’t ignore them. I invite them to the table and gently and lovingly ask: what about me are you trying to protect? Seek and find. Ask and answer.
So now that I know this to be true about myself. Now that I have an even deeper knowing of who I really am and not who I wish I were, I can move forward boldly and courageously to become her. I don’t need to know the outcome of the work I do. Rather, I need to get to do the work, create the things, and let God handle the outcomes. I get to move forward boldly and courageously, finishing the work I start, trusting in a Power far greater than myself to see it through to completion. And I get to watch as God’s promises unfold in my life, sometimes, oftentimes (?) differently than expected.
One final note because authentic vulnerability
Lowkey, I’d rather not post this. But how else will we know it’s God at work? In my previous transformations, there was no press allowed. 😂 This time, I’m giving you courtside seats so when God’s promises are fulfilled, I’ll say “Uuhhhh yeah, we obviously knew alladis was gonna happen!” And we also know it’s gonna be way bigger and more grand than I could ever imagine. How do I know?:
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently [a true gentleman!] within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!
Ephesians 3:20 MSG
We are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience, so I trust and know full well that most of my human problems require spiritual solutions. Please join me the Lord’s Prayer, or the equivalent in your spiritual text of choice, or revise it to however feels good and resonates with you:
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory for ever. Amen.
Matthew 6:9-13
