What Really is “Living”??
An acquaintance who also works in healthcare messaged me. It was something like:
A client had fake chest pain which was actually into chronic kidney disease from doing cocaine and meth… and then X happened… and I looked at her records and she has hepatitis.
I read her message and immejjjiately thought “Baby some people really are LIVING, ain’t they?! Some people are really LIVING on the edge!”
Oftentimes we think living is recovery. And by we, I mean ME. Hear me out…
I’m an addictions nurse. I have addictions. Compulsive behaviors. The thing I say I wanna do but do the opposite. We all do, but whether you acknowledge yours or not is between you and God.
Silent Retreat
I spent the last few days at a silent retreat and the theme was I Will Give You Rest, as in:
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
While there, I started reading Addiction & Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May, M.D. I’m reading it for me, and I’m reading it for my clients, I’m reading it for everyone who has breath in their body.
Addictions has become such a dirty word. It isn’t. It simply means doing a thing that oftentimes you don’t wanna do.
Which, as this book mentions, is also sin. I mean, it’s right there in the Good Book and I ain’t even know it!:
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Romans 7:14-25 NIV
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[b] a slave to the law of sin.
We are prisoners of sin. We want to do one thing but do another. Oftentimes the opposite.
Struggles and Spiritual Awakening
Between my full-time job as an addictions nurse and the 12 Step Meetings to help me manage and turn over my own sinful behavior to God, and social media pushing pushing pushing change and higher selves and improvement, bayby I’m tiyad!
I’m tired and today while on a 12 Step meeting, it started with introductions. Sometimes they start with “Hi, my name is ___ and I’m an ___.” Blind to time, a compulsive overspender, debtor, alcoholic, social media addict, gambler. Choose the meeting and so goes the introduction!
But this morning during the introductions while everyone was sharing their name and affliction, I got spiritual whiplash.
Hi, my name is Joval and I am being.
moi
I am not any of my addictions. I am not even in recovery, I am LIVING! I am BEING! I am right now, and always, regardless of the low or high of my life, I am exactly and precisely where God wants me to be.
I don’t know about your God, but mine is the one who had said:
God said to Moses, “I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, ‘I-AM sent me to you.’”
Exodus 3:14 MSG, AMP and CJB translations
God said to Moses, “I Am Who I Am”; and He said, “You shall say this to the Israelites, ‘I Am has sent me to you.’”
God said to Moshe, “Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh [I am/will be what I am/will be],” and added, “Here is what to say to the people of Isra’el: ‘Ehyeh [I Am or I Will Be] has sent me to you.’”
That’s so cold blooded! He basically said “Ay yo, don’t worry ’bout what my name is, I AM and WILL BE is all you need to know!”
Being a child of that Most High God, it feels silly, pedestrian, rudimentary to lead with my name and my challenges as if I’m not whole and a new creature in him.
I get it. I know why they do it:
Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) can accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power].
James 5:16 AMP
But me? Right now? For a while now I’ve been in a space where I am confessing who I am. Who THE I AM made ME to be:
I am worthy. I am loved. I am joy. I am peace. I am a catalyst. I am a connector. I am intuitive. I am a writer. I am a visionary. I am mature. I am whole. I am well cared for. I am energetic. I am a speaker. I am exceptional. I am divine. I am transformed. I am chosen. I an intercessor. I am purposed. I am purpose-filled. I am productive. I am rested. I am trustworthy. I am trusted. I am trusted. I am confident. I am smart. I am wise. I am beautiful. I am going from glory to glory to glory with God’s help. I am a friend of God. I am light. I am Light. I am surrendering. I am impactful. I am bright. I am abundant. I am prosperous. I am strong. I am brave. I am powerful. I am everything who God says I am!
Me on who I already am
What’s most especially amazing is that these are 98% already happening, present tense. Only 2% aspirational. When I see myself as God made me, as he sees me, my world explodes open.
So no, I won’t be leading with who I was because my days ahead are far greater than my days behind.
He speaks about things that are not yet there as if they were already there.
Romans 4:17 EASY
And guess what? I do, too!
No longer do I want to live the rest of my days healing. I want to live my days being. Honoring where I was, celebrating where I am, and recognizing where I’m going.
Closing Prayer
GRATEFUL. I am GRATEFUL! Amen.
