Life happens a spectrum.
On one end, there’s complete abstinence, avoidance, no partaking, sobriety. Zero.
On the other end of the spectrum, there’s consumption. Healthy, normal use. If there’s a scale, it goes to… Let’s say… Ten.
And because life isn’t binary, there are a host of other things. Binging, gluttony, misuse or abuse.
Addiction looks like anything over 10. Addiction, in layman’s terms, is uncontrollable and compulsive intake. I write this as a behavioral health/ psych registered nurse and as someone who has personal experience with addiction. It was the personal experience that catalyzed me to become a nurse after I learned to heal myself.
Por ejemplo
Since the teacher in me loves an example, let’s use do just that! Let’s say I’m famished. “I could eat a horse!” On the 0 to 10 scale, my fullness is as a 0 and my hunger is at a 10. Yikes! So I get something to eat. (Actually, I’m muy excited because I’m about to remake the same salad I made for Thanksgiving– sweet tango apples, pepitas, dried cranberries, and feta with a balsamic vinaigrette.) Now I get to decide how much I’m gonna eat and how quickly.
If I eat too much too fast, I’ll get to a 13 on the fullness scale which is really unfortunate because the scale maxes at 10. And TBH, I used to eat like that. When I was watching TV and not paying attention to what I was eating or when I was binging, I’d eat way past a 6 or 10. The result? Feeling incredibly, uncomfortably full. A upset tummy and the skress of knowing “I did it again”. It takes about 20 minutes for your brain to catch up to your belly’s feeling of fullness. So, I now eat slowly and intentionally, and when I feel like I’m at a 6 or 7 on the fullness scale, I stop eating so after 20 minutes when my brain catches up to the rest of my bawdy, I’ll feel like I’m at a comfortable 8 or 9 on the hunger scale. Wonderful!
If I had anorexia nervosa (avoid or ate very little for fear of gaining weight), I might eat to a 1 on the hunger scale. You get it? All I’m saying is there are levels to this thing!
Side note: And for people who don’t know the personal struggle of disordered eating, I want to be really clear: this isn’t up for debate. This isn’t an invitation to say “Well I didn’t experience this” or “That’s so odd!”. That simply means that this food example simply isn’t about or for you, boo. This is about teaching people who do know the struggle have struggled with disordered eating how to eat in a way that feels good. It’s about showing them another way. Instead of sitting this one out, can you think of ways in which this does relate to you? Drop it in the comments!
Harm Reduction
For someone who is challenged with addiction, “harm reduction” (in quotes because it’s a specific, technical term) looks like anything less than 10. Anything less than what they were doing. Anything that… Well, causes less harm. I stopped binging (eating to a 13) and have taught myself to eat to a 9. Not just the quantity, but the quality and when and how I’m eating, too. Am I stressed? Avoiding feeling sad? Grieving? Upset?
If you’ve watched enough TV or known people in AA, you might’ve heard “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”. They say that because addictions can be dormant. It can be controlled. Managed. Meaningfully and effectively addressed or regulated.
My food addiction isn’t always raging nor is my time blindness. When I practice self-care– aka when I give myself the love I need in mind, in body, and in spirit when I need it, I don’t eat compulsively or uncontrollably. That is to say, addictively. I don’t binge eat when I allow myself to notice what I need.
Feel your feelings!
Addictions numb us of the very things we’re hoping to avoid. Conversely, noticing– practicing self love and awareness– is the healing antidote.
Most of us are addicted to different things. For some people, it’s alcohol, for others, cocaine, for others food or drama or vagueness or time blindness or media or video games or… Or… Or… The options are as limitless and unique as we are!
Abstinence
While harm reduction is my bae, sometimes, I practice abstinence. I abstain from the very things that will consume me if– no, when!– I’m not aware. So today, I’m choosing abstinence one more again.
Ask, Seek, Knock
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Eleven months after graduating, I started my first full-time job in nursing as a registered nurse. Eleven months of waiting. Of readying myself. Of preparing myself. Eleven months of seeking. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that what we seek, we find!
Abstinence is a form of seeking. It’s an opportunity for me to allow myself to stop avoiding something and pay attention to the very thing that I’ve allowed myself to ignore. I could be doing a bajillion things instead of doing any one thing. What am I avoiding? Well, I know the answer. I always know the answer. I often avoid doing the uncomfortable things. The scary things. Which is ironic because if you know me, you know I often lean in like the Tower of Pisa. But often isn’t always.
Alladat said, I’m giving up… Wait for it…
Reading!
Which could sound odd but lemme ‘splain: It’s because by exercising self control and discipline to go on a reading fast, I allow myself to focus on what’s most important to me– writing my own dang book! Rather than reading– or listening!– to anyone else’s words, I get to focus on organizing my own. On boldly and courageously creating the very things I know people so desperately need. That I so desperately need!
And if I’m gonna be honest (that was rhetorical– is there any other way? NO!!!), it’s scary to say it out loud and to post it to my blog. Will I do the very thing I’ve suuuper low-key been avoiding?! Yes. Of course a thousand times yes! But there’s one mustard seed of no that I’m going to nurture with love, kindness, gentleness and grace and transform into a yes.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11 NIV
So, instead of reading books, listening to books, being upset with myself for not reading more books, (and if Imma be honest honest, stop binging shows!), for December, as I transition into my new career position (job seems far too rudimentary and pedantic!) I’m going to:
- limit my reading to the Bible. Like some women and I were talking about at church this week, it’s actually surprising what we read when we just flip it open! There are such wild stories in there. Go see for yourself!
- let my phone sleep at my desk (as in turn it off). When I allow it, it distracts me before I go to bed and is the first thing I look at when I wake up. Thanks but nah.
- limit audiobooks to three days a week on my one hour drive to work and while falling asleep. (FYI, YouTube has a ton of free fifty free audiobooks!)
And dassit! Three goals. Ah hem, three SMART goals to see me through the remainder of the year that will catalyze me forward to become the well rested, focused, new nurse baddie soon-to-be-published author I envision myself being. Three goals, not 30. Three. And that, my friends, is how I outSMART myself. I’m not saying it’ll be perfect, but I am saying it’s a beautiful, solid start. And because #accountability, I’ll circle back with updates.
