Silenced by Toxicity: How Courage Begins in the Darkest Moments
Wheeeeew Baby! This one time I worked in a very toxic job. And it was terr’ble!
*pregnant pause*
But the most terrible things that have happened to me were revealed– with wisdom and God and Love and patience!– to be the very best things that have happened to me!
I had terrible “leadership”. It was likely while working there that the lesson was cemented: someone in a “leadership position” isn’t by default a leader. Nay, my dear reader, they are, in fact, simply, a manager. A manager checks boxes, follows the script, and keeps the wheels turning, they follow the status quo, they go with the flow. But a true leader? They inspire, uplift, and create space for others to shine. They challenge the status quo because the quo ain’t status’ing! It’s a crucial difference, one that makes all the difference in the world. So, the next time you find yourself under “leadership,” ask yourself—am I being managed, or am I being led? The answer could– and does!– change er’thing.
Very long story short: I didn’t have a direct manager (poor business decision #1). A dope Black woman stepped up (as we does!) and volunteered to manage me. After all, how was someone supposed to step into a new job and just be left to their own devices?! The math certainly don’t math! She had nearly 20 years at the organization, so fair to say she knew a thing or several! Under her leadership, I flourished.
Fast forward nearly two years. I, along with two Black women– one with 20 years experience and another with over 20 years!– we were pushed out just months apart.
We were forced into silence.
Our voices didn’t matter to those who had the power to hear them.
Flipping the Script: How a Terrible Job Became A Gift
Remember how I started this post, though? The worst thing that happened to me is the best thing that happened to me, though. Which is why when I packed up my curauchies dem (that’s Jamaican slang for my knickknacks lol), I was happy as a lark! You mean I get severance pay aaand unemployment insurance (as in, I was getting paid like 65% of my salary while looking for another job)?! SIGN ME UP! Me and my plant (which is still thriving, by the way!) merrily eased on down the road back home that the afternoon and went straight to take a nap because it’s so easy to rest when you’re at ease and have peace!
Because babes, it wasn’t actually the worst! Leaving a toxic job with toxic, problematic people is the best thing that could happen to anyone! I snapped this picture steps from the front door after being escorted out of the building and texted it to friends and family, eager to let them know it happened, I was let go. YAY!
Clearly it didn’t take me long to surrender to the idea that this was a joyous occasion lol!
I knew it was bad, sure, but I didn’t think it’d get that bad. Turns out, it’s hard to come back form a performance improvement plan. Why? Because when mediocre people lean into their mediocrity and the goal posts keep changing, your work is futile. It became a battle of she said/ she said. And the director and assistant director of my department– very people who hired me to change the company culture!– turned on a dime (as mediocre do!).
Rising Above: Reclaiming My Voice like Auntie Maxine Reclaimed Her Time
As a Black woman in Amerikkka, I’ll say this: Black and Brown women are often fired for no longer being a “culture fit”. Interesting, isn’t it? We were hired because our excellence preceded us and yet months or years later we’re no longer a fit? If (White) folks were truthful with themselves first and with others, are Black and Brown women not a “culture fit”, or are you simply racist or prejudice or have “implicit bias” (aka unearthed, unexplored ideologies rooted in racism), and we’re simply calling it out aaand since you hold the power, you’re pushing us out?! Most especially when you’ve worked so hard on your terminal degree, have hardly a lick of common sense let alone emotional intelligence, and here come Black women– bold, courageous, brave, smart, confident, with less education than you… Telling you what you ought to do because you’re missing the mark? Yeah, I’d hate to be so book smart and so foolish and mediocre, too! 🤣 But I di-Jo.
The other day I was deleting old contacts from my phone. Real talk, I didn’t even know who some of those people were! DELETE! I haven’t texted or called so and so in the 4 years since I’ve had this phone… DELETE!
And then I came across a coworker from said aforementioned job who I reconnected with while I was in nursing school. Aaactually, it’s important I name the organization because why not? What am I protecting? Plus, it adds so very much to the story given that I’m now a registered nurse. Ya girl was working at the American Nurses Association. Yes, as in the national trade association for nurses. HA!
While there, they worked tenaciously to silence me and my big voice. That year, I prayed that God would make me bold and courageous use my voice. The following year, I was still hurt and on my vision board, prayed God would make me bold (again) to use my voice, and that my voice would be heard.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
So good, it’s in the Good Book twice!:
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble in dread before them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not fail you or abandon you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6 (more translations)
And now, nearly 5 years later for being fired for speaking up, I find myself here: only 8 months after starting my very first full-time clinical job as a master’s prepared *dusts off my shoulder* registered nurse and being promoted to charge nurse, ya girl was awarded the 2024 Core Value Award for… Wait for it… Courage!
Why Courage? Because I say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said. And I say it with love, kindness and I say it direct. I’m like the DC Metro: “If you see something, say something!”
In the words of the singer Alanis Morissette, Isn’t it ironic, dontcha think?! 🤣🤣🤣
I recently saw a video on Instagram. It was related to dating, but applies far, faaar more globally:
Instead of asking someone where they’ll be in 5 years, ask them where they were 5 years ago.
And to that I say question, I say this: I’ve come A Mighty Long Way, but lemme let Norman sing it better than I can say it, mkay?
(But first, from alternative rock to gospel, where they do that at?! HEEERE! I DOES THAT HERE! 🥹😂🤣😭 Fair to say I really have mastered this authentic blog thing. If you want my truth and far more importantly The Truth, keep coming back!)
A Prayer for Faith, Gratitude, and Courageous Work in Leadership
GOD, I THANK YOU! Thank You for grace, work, wisdom, and above all transformation! Thank You that You hear each and every one of my prayers. “More of You and less of me,” I continually pray. Thank You that I am becoming more bold, more courageous. Thank You that there is always space for me, and when there isn’t, thank You that I use my voice to create space for me and for others who don’t have a voice. Thank You that I am bold and courageous, and that it inspires others to be and do the same.
Thank You for developing the fruit of the spirit of gentleness in me so that I can say things directly with love. As Your word says, we were given “a spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind and self-discipline and self-control.” Help me control my tongue which I know can be used to build up and to tear down. Help me continue to build myself and others up just as You have built me up.
Your Word is the firm, unmovable foundation on which I stand. Thank You for a solid foundation, one based on Great Love, truth, light and power. Thank You that I serve the God of I am. Thank You that we are what You say we are, and not who we were told we are. Thank You for growth and maturity. Grow us to be who you called us to be! Help me and all who need it.
Thank You that I am light, helping others to burn brighter. Keep me safe in Your loving arms as only You can. Guide us forward, onward, and upward. Take us where only Your courage, love, grace, and mercy can take us. Give us the courage to continue to walk into rooms like we belong there because wherever we go, You are! To walk into rooms like You sent us there because You did! Thank You that our ancestors’ go with us, too.Thank You for the prayers from centuries long gone that still cover and protect us.
Thank You for my family, children, cousins, and all the generations to come in my lineage. Grow them up in You. Make them bold and courageous in You. May they stand on the shoulders of all those who came before them, knowing full well that they will go farther than we ever have because of the work we have done by faith in You. Thank You for faith and the courage to complete the work You have called us to do.
Thank You for exceptional leaders and poor managers who teach us life’s greatest lessons. Create divine space and opportunities in management for courageous leaders to lead. Continue to make our work our ministry. May this service be met with abundant and just compensation that honors the value and all I bring. Empower me to walk this path with grace, courage, and unwavering faith in Your divine plan.
Thank You for the power and gift of prayer. And just like so, just like that, I ask, and You answer. It is done! Amen.
Small Steps: Embrace Who You Are Divinely Becoming
Right now, in this very moment, you are worthy of every good, beautiful, noble, and sacred thing in the world! Not 20 or 80 pounds from now or when your finances are in order or when you have your dream job or when everything is “perfect”. You are worthy now.
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