Unapologetic Joy: Standing Firm in My Worth
I remember this one time I went to CVS with my oldest brother. We walked in and I was full on laughing. If you don’t know me, you should know I laugh at er’thing! I was in college or maybe just recently graduated?, so I in my early 20s. Full on guffaw. My brother told me to tone it down. Tone down my JOY?! Nah bruh, that gotta stay on high at all times!
By the time we got to the cashier, I was still laughing, and so was my brother. The cashier told me she was on my side, and to stay happy, stay laughing.
I don’t remember what I was laughing about, what was sooo funny, I just know that it was.
Fast forward several years later, now in nursing school, in my late 30s. A friend, a “friend”?, told me something similar:
Joval, can you not be so positive?!
She asked me in all seriousness.
NO MA’AM, NO STAN, NO SIR!
People oftentimes tell me to continue to be unapologetically myself. My response? Some iteration of worry not, it nah go change!
It’s crazy, isn’t it? That in a world full of hatred and negativity and negativism, people dare ask a bright light to turn down. It’s like asking the sun to shine less bright. Asking the tide to have less power. Asking the moon to shine less at night. Asking the stars to twinkle less.
Asking me to be less joyful is, at it’s core, self-centered.
Instead, I submit to your consideration to ask why you are offended by my joy?!
The truth remains– I knew it then as a baby in my 20s that I wouldn’t, I simply couldn’t surrender my laughter, my power!, to my brother. And I knew greater still in my 30s that I wouldn’t start now.
It’s amazing, isn’t it?? That the very thing people complement me for is also the very thing that they’d despise me for, too.
Needless to say, homegirl and I aren’t friends anymore.
Nor am I friends with the person who woke me up at 6 am one morning. Afraid for her safety of her “boyfriend”. Not in that moment, but in another moment she also told me that she wanted to call and complain to me. “Can’t I just tell you what’s going on and you listen?” You wanna waste your time and MINE?!?! Choose one, and because you clearly made a poor choice, let me help you decide– you surely won’t be wasting my time! She called me at her lowest, seeking comfort, yet couldn’t handle me standing tall in my joy. Isn’t it crazy how people want your strength when they’re weak but try to dim it when you’re strong and shining?
It’s amazing. Truly, purely, amazing. That people who love you the best they know how, love you poorly. Rather, their best love would ask you to diminish yourself, to tone down, to tune down. That they’d demand your full attention and at the same (audacious) time, demand that your full attention is too big, so to be less.
Ma’am. Sir. I am not Burger King and no, you cannot have it your way!
At the height of my physical/ weight loss transformation, I was often heard telling folk,
You will get what I give because what I give is good!
And nothing has changed. It still remains true. What I give– the essence of who I am is good, Good even!– because the God of I AM is in me and guides me. As I heard it said just this morning,
Who am I, without I Am?
And while we’re here, lemme clarify something for you raggedy folk (including but not limited to Amanda Seales– and no, I won’t waste even a minute of my good time searching for her saying it and linking it here).
Some of y’all really think that when people lose weight, they change for the worse because we no longer accept what we once accepted. We no longer tolerate your behavior that we once tolerated. So let me make this real clear for you slicked mouth folks, or as this book called it, hard heads and soft bodies:
And that, my love, includes YOU.
I already knew you were raggedy. You always had a slick mouth. You spoke to me like I was less than because you believed that I was less than. I accepted your behavior because in some ways, I, too, believed that I was less than.
It took me some time, but it takes however long it takes. After speaking to myself like God speaks to me, I came to realize that I was not, in fact less than. I was not only enough, I was more than enough! And once my inner voice came to match the voice of God, I changed what I could no longer accept and what I could no longer accept was you. No, you will not say disparaging things to me or about me because you think you can. Just because I once accepted it does not mean that I will continue to.
And just because I no longer accept your raggedy ways does no mean that you are still good or that you were ever good to me. It actually, my love, means that I am better to myself and because I have grown and soared I realized that not only am I less than you, but I am far more kind and gentle and loving to myself than you ever were to yours. And this behavior, I will no longer tolerate. This behavior, I will no longer accept.
I will not belittle myself in the hopes of making you feel bigger and better than you are. No. You must– we all must!– be humble.
And being humble isn’t about playing big or small, being humble is about being exactly and precisely the right size. Just so. And just so you will be. Just so I will be, too. You will not condemn me or offend me. You will not ask me to play small because you feel small. I will, however, be all of who God created me to be because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am good as I am when I operate from a place of love and kindness.
My responsibility is not to please you, it’s to please God. After all, we cannot do both. I choose now to please God. And at times that means I make amends. At all times that means I speak with love. At times that means I love from a distance.
But at all times, that means that I will respect me. At all times that means you will respect me. And if you choose not to, that’s your right and your business! And in response to your disrespect, because there are always outcomes to actions, I will remove you or remove myself. In love and with love. I wish you well. And I even wish that you love yourself to your right size. I hope that you wouldn’t ask anyone to be less of themselves but rather that you would become more of yourself.
More of You, Less of Me: A Prayer of Wholeness
John 3:30 says, “He must become greater; I must become less.” God, more of You and less of me. May we become more of You and less of ourselves. Help us to live well first in our own bodies, in our own minds, and in our own spirits by your Spirit. Help us. Give us the willingness to persevere so we may be whole and complete lacking in nothing. Thank You God that we have everything that we need and everyone that we need. Bring forth those we need to support us on our way as we hope Your best for those who no longer support and love us. Love us like only You can. Renew us. Strengthen us. Make us wise and whole. Make us strong in our weakness. Make us humble in ourselves. Make us know you more as we know ourselves more. Replace our hurts with your healing and our traumas with your hope. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]. And so it already is. Amen!
