TLDR:
Adulthood involves reparenting ourselves, offering the nurturing, boundaries, and love we missed in our younger years. It’s about healing our visible and invisible wounds, rewriting our subconscious minds, and shaping our lives according to who we want to be, not just our past traumas. In other words, reparenting is loving ourselves like God loves us. In this post, I delve into what reparenting is and isn’t, the benefits, why I do it, guided questions so you can begin, and journal prompts at the end so you can dive into it. (I should probably be charging for all this goodness but, my blog is free fifty free so you can’t say you don’t have the resources you need to get you from where you are now to where you want to be!)
Oh! And NB: At the end of each section, I include a question in italics to help you think more deeply about reparenting. And at the end of the post, I include 5 journal prompts so you can get this reparenting porty (party, but more fun!) started. Happy reading, thinking, and writing!
Here’s the first question: Have you ever felt like you’re missing something essential from your past? What if you could give that to yourself now?
Misconceptions and Myths— What Reparenting Isn’t
Reparenting isn’t only about what our parents did or didn’t do. It’s about learning and understanding who we are in our adulthood– the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, and certainly the beautiful– and giving (gifting?!) ourselves what we need to live well. Before we even get this porty started, it’s really important to take a pause, a deep breath, and reflect on what it ain’t. While inner child reparenting holds immense potential for healing and growth, it’s important to dispel some common misconceptions:
- Reparenting isn’t about assigning blame to our parents or caretakers.
- It’s not a process of dwelling on past grievances or seeking external validation.
- It doesn’t mean regressing into a childlike state or avoiding responsibilities (though let’s be honest, sometimes that would be nice!).
- It’s not a quick fix (preach, preacher!). It requires consistent effort and patience.
- It isn’t about indulging every whim or desire.
Rather, reparenting ourselves is about providing the nurturing, boundaries, guidance, love, care, and gentleness we need but didn’t receive as children and consequently don’t give ourselves as adults. By understanding what reparenting isn’t, we can approach this transformative process with clarity and realistic expectations. And, in so doing, also remove some of the shame, especially for some of the parents reading this. Please understand that this isn’t about how amazing or not your caregivers were (or weren’t), it’s about giving yourself what you need now. This isn’t about them, this is about you. And if they make it about them, well, as we say in Jamaica, “ah dem business!”
What misconceptions have you had about reparenting? How does understanding what it isn’t change your perspective?
Another Tool in the Toolkit
Therapists looove talking about strategies as having a “tool in your toolkit”. It was a lil odd to me when my first therapist in my adulthood kept saying it, TBH, but I get it now. In order to fix a plumbing issue, it’s most helpful if you have… Well, toolbox and one that’s well organized!
Imagine if you called a professional plumber to your place to fix the leaky kitchen sink and they came to your home and had to make fifty eleven trips out to the car because they didn’t have a toolkit. You peak out the window after the third trip of them talking about some “I’ll be right back, I gotta grab something” and to your surprise, you see they have tools strewn about in plastic and paper bags in their car. It seems like they know what they’re looking for, but baby they’re looking for tools in the glove box, trunk, and even that lil coin tray. Once you realized the unorganized mess that is their life, you tell them not to worry, you’ll call someone else to do it.
The next plumber comes in like an eager beaver, happy to serve you with a toolkit as immaculate and as well organized as The Container Store and immediately you know, this the one! This one can fix the leak!
Think of reparenting yourself as one of the tools in your toolkit. Dang that was a long analogy but I really wanted to highlight the point!– tools are only as useful as they are accessible to us, and when we know how to use them. Haven’t heard much about it or think it sounds like hog wash?! Don’t poo poo it just yet!
In the world of self-discovery/ exploration and personal growth and development, the concept of reparenting your inner child has emerged as a powerful tool. I thought it was weird too, at first, but I be wrong sometimes and I done came back around! Just as we guide and support the little ones in our lives (kids, nieces/ nephews, cousins, siblings, etc) through life’s challenges, there exists in each of us a an inner child seeking emotional healing, validation, and love. I might be 41, but best believe sometimes 4 year old and 11 year old and 20 and 30 year old Joval need some love and attention, too. Reparenting involves revisiting past experiences, understanding emotional wounds, and offering the nurturing care that may have been missing in our formative years.
Imagine you could add just one more tool to your personal growth toolkit—what would it be, and why?
Unveiling Unresolved Emotional Wounds
Our inner child embodies the memories, emotions, and beliefs formed during our early life. These experiences shape our self-perception, relationships, and worldview. Positive experiences foster self-worth, while negative ones leave emotional wounds that impact adulthood. These lingering wounds often manifest as self-limiting beliefs and behaviors, self-doubt, anxiety, fears, and challenges in building and/ or maintaining healthy connections.
Can you recall a specific childhood memory that still impacts you today? How might reparenting help you heal that wound?
Understanding the Reparenting Journey
Reparenting your inner child entails acknowledging and addressing unmet emotional needs from the past. This compassionate, non-judgmental, loving process empowers you to provide the care and support that may have been lacking during childhood. Here’s a practical roadmap to embark on this healing journey:
- Develop Self-Awareness: Begin by reflecting on triggers, patterns (see verse below), and behaviors that evoke strong emotions or big reactions. These can be linked to unresolved inner child wounds. The first step is acceptance because we can’t resolve what we don’t see or acknowledge.
- Speak Lovingly to Yourself: Initiate a kind, loving inner dialogue with your inner child. Visualize your younger self and converse with them using the love and encouragement you’d offer to a child. Let them know they are heard and understood.
Someone recently told me they carry around a picture of their 3 year old self to remind them of who they are at their core. It’s up to you how far you’ll go, but if there’s only one thing you take away from this blog post, let it be this: The world is harsh enough, you don’t have to add to it by talking to yourself bitterly, nastily, and harshly. Speak to and about yourself like God sees you– fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. And if that don’t hit the sweet spot for you, then talk to yourself like you take to your favorite person in the world. How do you talk to your niece, Godsister, sisterfriend, mentor? I know from firsthand experience that you may talk to yourself as if you’re only your mistakes and missteps, but you’re oh so much more, greater, deeper, loving that that! At first, they may begin as words you say, but with practice, it’ll become who you are. You’ll begin to behave better, in love and in alignment with how to talk to yourself. - Emotional Release: Allow emotions to surface and be expressed. Utilize journaling, art, or confiding in a safe, trusted friend or therapist to release pent-up feelings. Why? Because unaddressed wounds don’t heal. They will eventually become necrotic and what was once a small wound will become necrotic (the tissue literally dies) and the dead tissues remains uncontained. Emotional wounds can be tricky because though invisible, they also need to be addressed. Don’t know what they are? Look for recurring patterns of themes in your life. Or ask yourself what hole am I trying to fill by compulsively harming myself (e.g., shopping, eating, self sabotaging)?
- Prioritize Self-Care: Incorporate self-care practices that bring joy, peace, and comfort. Engage in activities that make you feel nurtured, whether it’s sitting in silence, dancing to your fav song, reading a book, practicing gratitude, taking care of your plants (one of which should def be named after you!) or immersing yourself in nature.
This is what I wish er’body knew about self-care: If you do it my way and you don’t like it, it isn’t self care, it’s other care. And I’d hate for you to be mad you wasted time/ money/ energy and get vex with self care like it did something wrong when really, you didn’t do it because you were too busy trying to do what others did. Le sigh. But there is def a trial and error phase. What do you like? Enjoy? What makes you feel? What makes you feel at peace? Good? Whole? Complete? Relaxed? Ebb and flow. Harmony. Gotta do all of that. Maybe what those self care practices are is blatantly obvious, maybe you’re unclear, maybe you, like many of my clients and people I speak with don’t even know what they like! Either way, give yourself the gift of trying new things. I didn’t know what I liked until I tried it.
This is science– make a hypothesis (I’m going to journal my, test it out, and make changes as needed to get a different outcome that more closely aligns with who you are. Et voila! We find the very thing we’ve been looking for, but only with the willingness to search, try, and do. Seek and you will find. Issa promise! If you seek beautiful things you’ll find them, “Complacency kills” and that’s simply a fact. Take it up with the book of Proverbs and not me! - Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries in your present life to protect and nurture your inner child. Learn to decline situations or individuals triggering past wounds. You might’ve heard me say “Jesus has boundaries, and so do I!” See the Matt 5:37 verse below. Your yes’ and no’s lead you closer to or farther away from your vision. Who do you want to be and become?
- Positive Affirmations: Replace negative self-talk with affirming statements. Empower yourself with encouraging words that foster self-esteem, -worth, and -confidence. Why break yourself down when you can build yourself up?!
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV
Reparenting is loving ourselves like God loves us. Regardless of how our parents did or didn’t love us, reparenting is being intentional with our love and care for ourselves. When I love myself how I desire to be loved, I am then best poised to allow others to love me how I want to be loved, too.
What patterns or triggers have you noticed that could/ may be/ are linked to unresolved inner child wounds?
How do you currently speak to yourself during tough times? How would it feel to change that inner dialogue to one of compassion and support?
Benefits of Reparenting Your Inner Children
Reparenting your inner children offers not just relief from past pain(s), but also opportunities for truth which, as we know from John 8:32, liberates us. “Inner children” might be a new term, but lemme put it like this– as a 41 year old woman, I carry with me the memories (be it in my mind or my DNA) of my 6 month old self, my 6 year old self, 16 year old self, 25, and 35 year old self. And while some are great memories, some are not. And because trauma transforms us on a genetic level, my DNA carries the traumas of my parents, their parents, their parents, etc. Who among us isn’t seeking freedom and liberation from whatever keeps us in bondage?! I don’t want to react to new situations from my past hurts, I want to respond from current truths. Reparenting helps me do just that.
- Healing Trauma: By confronting and addressing past wounds, you can gradually heal and release lingering trauma.
- Enhanced Relationships: As you heal your inner child, you gain awareness of emotional triggers and improve communication within relationships.
- Boosted Self-Compassion: Reparenting instills self-kindness and understanding, promoting self-love and compassion.
- Emotional Resilience: Nurturing your inner child equips you to confront life’s trials with greater emotional strength and balance.
- Personal Empowerment: Reparenting reshapes your internal narrative, freeing you from the confines of past experiences.
A Real Life, Personal Example
Reparenting your inner child is a journey of self-discovery, healing, and transformation. It necessitates patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to self-nurturing. By embracing your inner child and offering the care younger you is worthy of, you open the door to a more fulfilling life of emotional liberation and a profound sense of self-worth. Remember, you have the power, authority, and ability to heal the past, be present in the present, and shape your future.
So while I don’t carry a picture of my 3 year self, I do have pictures of my younger self on my fridge. On December 19, 2022, I did the impossible. Or, what I once believed to be impossible. I graduated with a 3.46 with my Master’s of Science in Nursing with a concentration in Clinical Nurse Leadership.
While readying myself for graduation with my Masters of Science in Nursing in December 2022, I paused to reflect on 20 year old Joval, in blue, and how far I’ve come in the 20 years since. Tears well in my eyes while I type this, like they did moments when this picture was taken. I am now the woman I once prayed to be. Who I once knew and believed I couldn’t be. When I believed I couldn’t, I didn’t. But when I believed I could, I did! I could always be her. I AM HER! What can I say? I be wrong sometimes! 20 year old me thought I couldn’t be who I am now because people wanted me to believe their limiting beliefs about me. Like my 12th grade college counselor who said I’d never make it in healthcare. Respectfully, I’d like to say: suck it, Ms. Chu! Sorry, I di-Jo, but this one was for a worthy cause. Jovie, we made it!
Pause. Reflect. Write. Journal.
Want to do more but not sure where to go from here? Don’t worry, I got you! Embarking on the journey of reparenting yourself is a profound act of self-love and healing. To help you get started, here are five powerful journal prompts designed to guide you through the process. These prompts encourage reflection, self-compassion, and the nurturing of your inner child. Take your time with each one, allowing yourself to explore your thoughts and feelings deeply. Remember, this journey is about offering yourself the love, support, and understanding you deserve. Happy journaling!
- Reflect on a time in your childhood when you felt unsupported. What did you need at that moment? How can you provide that support to yourself now?
- Write a letter to your younger self, offering the love, encouragement, and validation they needed. How does this process make you feel?
- Identify a current challenge in your life. How might your inner child be influencing your reactions? What can you do to address this with compassion?
- Describe a safe and nurturing space where your inner child feels completely at ease. How can you create aspects of this space in your daily life?
- List five positive affirmations that resonate with you. How can you incorporate these affirmations into your daily routine to foster self-love and healing?
A Gratitude Prayer for the Journey of Reparenting
Heavenly Father, Divine Creator, our hearts are full of gratitude for the journey of reparenting. Thank you for the wisdom to understand our past and the strength and courage to acknowledge our wounds. Thank you for the gift of healing, and that we have the power to heal ourselves. Thank you for wounds that are opened so they can heal. Thank you that sometimes we have to reopen the wounds that healed poorly so we can heal them well. Thank you for the courage to heal, the courage to feel and acknowledge our own pain. Thank you for the love and nurturing we are learning to give ourselves, recognizing that it is through your grace and guidance that we find the courage to do so.
Lord, thank you for the moments of self-awareness, for the times we speak lovingly to our inner child, and for the emotional release that brings us closer to wholeness. Thank you that perseverance finishes its work in us to make us mature and complete, lacking nothing. Thank you that we persevere. We are grateful for the tools you provide, the support of trusted friends, and the comfort of silence and nature that nurture our souls.
Help us to continue setting healthy boundaries, to embrace self-care and -love, and to speak affirmations of truth and love into and over our lives. Remind us daily that we are fearfully and wonderfully made in your image, worthy of love and compassion and kindness and self forgiveness. As we heal and grow, may we seek and find peace in the process and joy in the journey. Let our lives be a testament to your transformative power, showing others that it is possible to heal, to love, and to live fully. Thank you God for guiding us, for loving us, and for never leaving us. Amen and amen.
Small Steps: Embrace Who You Are Divinely Becoming
Right now, in this very moment, you are worthy of every good, beautiful, noble, and sacred things in the world! Not 20 or 80 pounds from now or when your finances are in order or when you have your dream job or when everything is “perfect”. You are worthy now.
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