It’s funny, isn’t it? We live in our bodies and– but!– we become so disconnected from them we need to practice things like “mindfulness”, “self awareness” and meditation to return home to ourselves. To the one physical body we’ll ever have***.
Tonight I ordered dinner. I had to. I mean… *ahem*… I “had” to. I was looking at caterers earlier today for my bday fiesta that’s later this month and the Indian/ Pakistani caterer’s pics had my mouth just a’watering so I ordered Indian for dinner. And that trickster that is GrubHub got me got. For no additional charge I could order from a second restaurant so… I ordered coffee Oreo ice cream for dessert. 😬
When dinner and dessert were delivered, I tried two teaspoons of the ice cream and it was delish. I just wanted a taste. And I liked it! I enjoy some malai kofta (vegetarian deliciousness) and a lil chicken tikka masala with basmati rice and plain naan. I can’t finish my bowl because I’m full. No biggie. I save the rest for later. This happens often, when my eyes are just a smidge bigger than my belly. A belly that, lest we forget, was quite literally cut down to size with the sleeve gastrectomy surgery in 2017. Long story short, the same way that my sisterfriend Lakia had a double mastectomy and chemo to treat her breast cancer is the same way I had the sleeve surgery to treat my obesity.
I’m ready for dessert. And I’m eating it from the pint because I didn’t wanna put it in a bowl– which is something that on most days, I actually trust myself to do. And after a few scoops– about a half cup– I realized, because I was eating mindfully, that it didn’t actually taste like anything anymore! So I stopped eating it. It was delicious… Until it wasn’t. And when it wasn’t, I stopped eating it. I got what I needed and then I left. (Imagine if we all minded our business like that?! lol) That’s my body’s way of saying “you had enough, now stop it please”.
And this is why I practice mindfulness!!!
When I had seriously disordered eating that I would’ve eaten the whole pint while watching TV and would’ve been big mad when I reached the end but didn’t know to savor the last bite because I was totally consumed in what I was watching. What I know now is that the last bite of the pint doesn’t taste like anything. Did you know that?? When I ate to “fill a God-sized hole”, I would literally eat until my stomach was too full and I got sick. Savoring each are er’ bite changes things: this Oreo chip was too tiny. Let me go digging for another so I get a better coffee ice cream to Oreo ratio. Enough of the Oreo, now I wanna dig around it and just get more coffee ice cream. It’s like a two for one ice cream! It’s so creamy and so good. Perfectly sweet. Just the right amount of coffee flavor, not overpowering. Exactly how I love it. And then there’s a point, and it’s always after the first few bites, that whatever you’re eating stops tasting like anything.
So now? Now I savor all the bites! Lemme be big clear– I didn’t wake up one day practicing mindfulness. I wish! Like an old yoga teacher of mine used to say “It’s called a [yoga] practice, not a perfect!” I have to practice mindfulness. I had to (re)connect with my body to return to myself. I had been living one way for so long, that I had to be told by my dietitian (shout out to my girl Jody!) how to come home to myself. (Read on, dear reader. I’ll tell you how in the next paragraphs!)
And did you catch it? I ordered Indian food because I saw Indian food. I mean, I needed to eat dinner so I figured why not Indian? Years ago, I’d watch the Food Network while eating. I watched hours and hours of TV er’day. It was my thing. Go out into the world and be seen? By people?! NEVER! More like, RARELY! Prior to committing to falling in love with myself in 2017, my schedule was this: work, come home watch TV, eat dinner, watch more TV. Happy hour with friends during the week and on weekends.
I binged on The Pioneer Woman with Ree Drummond, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives with Guy Fieri, and Barefoot Contessa with homie in my head Ina Garten. Those were my jams! …Until they weren’t. Because it finally dawned on me, only after yearsssss of watching their cooking shows, that without fail, I’d mosey into my kitchen looking for a snack. Because when I see food, I often want it. And you already know my kitchen ain’t set up like their kitchens, so I’d eat foods I had on hand that I wasn’t craving hoping it’d fulfill a craving. It never did! It can’t! Hence why I said I overate!
I wanna be super duper ultra extra clear on something: If it weren’t painful, I wouldn’t have paid attention. Aaand there’s no judgment. For people who don’t have disordered eating or any eating/ food challenges, then perhaps this post isn’t for you. But for those who do, then let me be the first to tell you: please, love, surrend the judgment and shame and self hatred and negative self-talk. Actually, I take back what I said– whether food is your issue or not, you berating yourself isn’t going to make you overcome your compulsive behaviors (aka addictions). We catch more bees with honey and in the same way, we inspire ourselves to change more when we’re doing it with love.
Ain’t nowhere in that Good Book did God ever say “berate yourself after you betrayed yourself!” No, instead, he said that his grace is sufficient. And that love covers a multitude of sins. And to love him with er’thing we got. But self hatred? Nah, he most definitely didn’t say that.
It was painful to learn how to connect to my body.
I guess I could say reconnect, but it had been so dang long that I’d been disconnected, that it felt new. It was new.
And the single most important connection I have in the world is the connection I have with myself. God loves me. I love me. I love others like I love me. If I don’t love me well, I can’t love others well, either. So I spent years learning to love myself well. To care for myself. To be patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hoping and to persevere. After all, that is the very definition of love in Corinthians.
Some people will love you poorly, which is how they love themselves, and you have a choice to make. Let them love you poorly because that’s how they connect with themselves, stay connected with them and love them well, or love them from a distance. Perhaps there are other choices, but Imma stop there. At the end of the day though, how someone love others is the truest reflection of how they love themself. Are they harsh, unkind, impatient? Well sis, if they’ll be that way with you, then you can only imagine the kinds of things they’re saying to themselves.
And because I’ve spent literal years learning to reconnect with myself and my body the way God loves me, when others are self critical, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. It pains my ear. It does something to me on a visceral level. I just told my three young patients that they don’t get to talk to themselves like that. They deserve better. No, you can’t make self deprecating “jokes”! No, you can’t spew self hatred and then call it a joke. And yes, I did refer them to the bible verse that calls the person who does that a “madman”! (But only because I know they’re believers and would be okay with it.)
PS– Let’s talk about that “one physical body”
***I say one physical body pero like… The body we have is growing and changing and if you’re wise, it’s also spiritually, emotionally, psychologically maturing, too! 🤯 So while we’re given “one body”, we’re actually made a “new creature” every few years! I just spoke with someone about this awesome idea that is human growth and development and we decided we both need to commit to thinking about this more. Because HOW AMAZING IS GOD?! How amazing are WE?! We’re actually walking miracles! And yet, we have the audacity and carry on like babies are the only miracles and adults aren’t. Tuh! We come into the world weighing a few pounds and aren’t even two feet long– not even tall, but long, people!!– and Lord willing, if all goes “normally” or as expected, we grow in height and in weight. Aaaaaand we, even in our adulthood!, when we reach our maximum height, our bodies continues to regenerate and every few years, we’re a completely differently person than we were a few years ago. On a cellular level, that is. 🤯🤯🤯
You know what else I love to think about? I really love to think about how we can– again, when we choose wisdom!– grow and mature as much spiritually and emotionally in our adulthood as we do physically in our childhoods. I certainly have! And I hope, and believe it’s fair for me to assert, that the same way my body’s cells are regenerated every few years so, too, is my mindset. My nephew is now 8. He’s a handsome, genius, thoughtful, caring, curious, engaged, fun and funny boy! And when he was born, I was about 80 pounds heavier than I am now. So when I look back at his baby pics with me in them, I see his physical growth and I see my spiritual and emotional growth, too. (See for yourself!)
Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].
2 Corinthians 5:17 Amplified
While we’re here… Can you imagine being baby sized forever, like long into adulthood?? Imagine for a moment if we didn’t grow physically! What would the world look like?! Our homes looks like? How high would our kitchen countertops be? Would we only drink nutrition from bottles and not eat good good grub?? What would our cars and public transportation look like if we stayed 15-21 inches tall?!
So why then, do some people want to remain spiritually and emotionally unchanged?! It’s blasphemous to think we’d be physically the same size our entire lives, but spiritually?! Why do some people choose to stay stunted?! I have some answers but baby this post is long enough!
I’ll end with this: as my Pastor said, “growth is required– everything that’s healthy grows”! So beloved reader of mine: are you healthy?! Spiritually? Emotionally? Creatively? Psychologically? Intellectually? Professionally? Socially? Environmentally? Financially? Culturally? Communally?
