The other day, someone asked me what my hobbies were. He asked me twice in two consecutive days and it wasn’t until the third day that I realized one of my hobbies is learning. One of my hobbies is discovery, of self and of others. I am voracious in my consumption of information. Seeking to learn and find and connect. My mind works lightening fast making connections, finding connections, creating connections. That’s my superpower. That’s my magic. That’s what makes me so very uniquely me!
Back to how I started: today, I learned a new term. “Pathological demand avoidance”. It struck me, not like “a ton of bricks” because that’s so daggone violent (ooooh, idioms!). No, it struck me like I’m struck with awe and delight at every sunrise I witness and every sunset I experience. That term, it turns out, has since been transformed. As always, language transforms as we transform, too. Much like research follows the ebbs and flows and changes of life, language follows the truths of life, too.
Language softens like a scabbed-over wound. And now, the new term for “pathological demand avoidance”? “Persistent demand for autonomy.”
⏸️ Pause to reflect: Have you ever felt pressured to say “yes” before you were ready? How did that make you feel? What areas in your life do you feel a strong need for autonomy, and how can you honor that need? ▶️
And baaayby! Lemme tell you something. This right here hit home, skraight to my door. Found my address, located my apartment building, knocked on my door, and before I could even open it, it came right on it. Like a best friend, it didn’t even wait for an invitation or nothing because she knew she was warmly welcomed!
It struck me because this idea is one that’s always been true for me and I didn’t know there was a term that existed to describe it. The more someone tries to force a “yes” on me before giving me the opportunity to say “yes” for myself is the more I dig my heels in and begin to say “no”.
Why so much pressure? Why are they so rushed? Why are they rushing me? Why won’t they let me breathe in peace?!
…”Peace, be still!”…
Mark 4:39 NKJV
“Be still and know…”
Psalm 46:10 NIV
Why won’t they allow me to sit, to be still, to come to know? Why force a “yes” on someone when they haven’t even gently decided a “yes” or “no” for themselves, or even a mutual compromise?! Like hello consent, where ya at?!
My neurodivergence is one of my many superpowers. It gifts me the opportunity to think at lightening speed, moving as quickly as a bullet train. So fast that sometimes I can’t keep up. I’ve mostly stopped asking myself, “how’d I get here? How’d I arrive at this final place?” Like a passenger on the bullet train, I have come to enjoy the ride of my own thoughts. To see where my thoughts will go, where they will take me.
⏸️ Pause to reflect: What unique qualities do you possess that you may not have recognized as strengths before? How can you begin to see your differences as superpowers rather than limitations? ▶️
And it’s different now. So different! Now I direct my thoughts. I no longer let my thoughts direct me and determine my feelings. I have trained myself to think like God thinks. I have trained myself to speak to myself like how God speaks about me:
Final Exhortations
Philippians 4:4-9 NIV
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness [not harshness or criticism or rudeness or hate!] be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
And then there’s this, too:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV
Isn’t neurodivergence, then, a form of divine nonconformity? Doesn’t my neurodivergence grant me the freedom and space to think differently, aligning with God’s divine, “good, pleasing, and perfect will” for me?! (Hello, revelation!)
“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”
1 Peter 4:10 (NIV)
My neurodivergence is one of my many superpowers. And learning to think like God thinks has gifted me so very much freedom. Freedom to be still. Freedom to enjoy silence. Freedom to allow myself to sit in silence. To enjoy the chirping of birds, to hear my thoughts, to watch them wander and play and toil.
Freedom isn’t free, though. It costs me something. It costs everyone something!
The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.
The Good Auntie Dr. Maya Angelou
My freedom costs me surrender. SO. MUCH. SURRENDER. My freedom to enjoy silence, that is, to be with God!, to come to know his good and perfect will for my life!– cost me everything. It cost me so much. So daggone much. It cost me my old way of being. Actually, it cost my life! I had to give up my life to create this new one. And I’d have it no other way. Who I was was good, but I didn’t know that then, and now I know– deeply and truly– that I am good and beautiful and divine, too.
By starting with thinking differently, I became different. Not just different, but “a new creature“. I have, with God’s help, completely transformed my mind, my body, my soul, and my life and he began, ever so deeply and gently, and ever so simply by using the power of words.
I knew I could be different and there was something at work deep and gentle within me telling me that the life I was living wasn’t the life I had to live. That despite what other people told me, if I just chose to be bold and courageous, then I, too, could live the life I imagined for meself.
Now I know that’s what I did. At the time I thought I was dipping my toe in the water. But the toe dip became a whole swim and here I am, years later, living the life of my dreams all because I dared to think and do and live and work and be and become different.
And here I am, years later, also serving others by helping them live the life of their dreams, too! I started small, and. I challenge others to start small, too: To speak to themselves with kindness, love, grace and forgiveness.
After all, we have made mistakes but we are not our mistakes.
What I know now is that hidden behind the harshness of the words we use are unhealed wounds. Harsh words we use to speak about ourselves and others are wounds that we’re protecting. Well, hoping to protect. People who speak harshly to and about themselves are wounded. They’re scabbed. The softness comes when the wounds are healing. When the scab heals and the skin softens, our words do, too. And we can hasten our softening and quicken our healing when we speak lovingly and kindly to ourselves and offer ourselves patience.
So, while you are still wounded and scabbed, I challenge you not to pick at your wound. I challenge you to be gentle with your healing. I challenge you to give yourself the time it takes, the patience it takes, the intentionality required to heal from what hurt you. I challenge you, like I challenged myself and am still challenging myself, to let go. To slow down. To stop. To pause. To reflect. To be still. To know God.
Instead of picking at your wounds and inviting bigger or more scabs or even infection, I invite you to let go. To unclench your fists. To open your hands. To surrender. To the unknown good. To God.
Letting go is the posture of surrender. I lovingly challenge you to be as gentle with yourself and your wound healing as you are to the people you love and cherish and dote on the most. I challenge to give yourself the same love, grace, and forgiveness you give them.
It’s scary. It’s daunting. It can be downright terrifying to do it differently. To let go of what you know in exchange for what you don’t. Going into the unknown and doing something you’ve never done or haven’t yet successfully completed is a mighty task, one for the brave of heart. For the bold and courageous. For fighters and winners and those who are willing to persevere and endure.
Yes, and I can promise you this:
It’s worth it. YOU’RE WORTH IT! WE’RE WORTH IT!!! The you who you’ll meet on the other side of wound healing is so magnificently beautiful. You don’t know that version of yourself yet, but you will. And you’ll love that version of you far more than you ever imagined.
This is my gift:
My being and my writing and my work are me returning to the world what I learned and received from it: that first, I must speak to myself like God speaks to me. And when I do, I am God in action. And when I do, I am Divinity personified. When I am gentle with myself, when I am kind and at peace, when I am loving, that is the God in me. That is God in action. *Excuse me a moment while I dry the unexpected rivers of salty water streaming from my eyes.*
God. Higher Power. Doodle. My homie. JC. Papa. The big G-o-d. God as you know and recognize Him or Her. That God, however you know Him or Her, whatever you call them, wants only good for you! And the single most amazing thing about it is that God gave us the power we need to empower ourselves to become all of who He created us to be.
3 Simple Strategies to Speak More Lovingly
- Daily Positive Affirmations: You’re already affirming yourself and you don’t even realize it. Negative self talk is affirming you’re not a good human when in truth, you’re amazing! Negative affirmations or speaking harshly to yourself is confirmation bias. The more you look for it, the more you see it.
I triple dog dare you to say the good about yourself! Start and/or end each day with positive affirmations. Write down 3 things you love about yourself or you’re proud of, and repeat them every morning. Bonus points: write them on your bedroom or bathroom mirror with a white board marker or on a post-it on your fridge so when you see them, you say them!
Example: “I am strong. I am beautiful. I am easy to love.” - Gentle Self-Correction: Whenever you catch yourself thinking or speaking negatively about yourself, gently correct it. Replace the negative thought with a true one.
Example: Replace “I’m so stupid!” or “F!ck me!” with “I made a mistake, and that’s okay. I’m learning!” - Gratitude Journaling: End each day by writing down three things you are grateful for, including something about yourself. This shifts focus to the positive aspects of your life and self.
Example: “Today, I am grateful for my creativity, my comfy bed, and my supportive loved ones.”
⏸️ Pause to reflect: In what ways have you been speaking to yourself that might need gentleness and grace? How can you start transforming your inner dialogue to reflect the love and kindness you deserve? ▶️
Closing Prayer
God, thank You! Thank You for awareness, for power, for words, for revelation. Thank You for allowing us to know You and when we do, for knowing ourselves more. Thank You for courage, boldness, confidence. Thank You for being. Thank You for time, both small and big and everything in between. Thank You for creation, for creating, and creativity. Thank You that we were made by the capital C Creator to create! Thank You that when we create, we connect with You in an exceptionally unique way. Thank You that Your will is greater than and bigger and better and everything more than my own. Thank You for maturity, stability.
Thank You that You are love. Thank You that Love heals because You are Love and when I love, I am God in action. Thank You that You are always everything I’ve ever needed, that we’ve ever needed. Thank You for mystery and unknowing and unlearning and seeking and finding and knowing.
Thank You for words. Thank You that words that once wounded can be transformed to heal. Thank You that everything You created is heaven. Thank You that we get to experience heaven. Thank You that You created us to love and to be loved. To connect and be connected. Thank You that we get to live this life, deep and gentle and full of Your love and grace and gentleness. Thank You for all you’ve done and that everything that I thought was done to me, is really done for me. Thank You. Amen and amen! (Because sometimes one amen ain’t enough!)
Small Steps to Embrace Your Inner Divinity
Right now, in this very moment, you are worthy of every good, beautiful, noble, and sacred thing in the world! Not 20 or 80 pounds from now or when your finances are in order or when you have your dream job or when everything is “perfect”. You are worthy now.
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