Confronting Misconceptions and Embracing Myself and My Excellence
Some people think I’m impervious to, impenetrable, not prone to, or completely unaffected by fear and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Some people think I’m impervious to imposter syndrome and that isn’t true.
Some people think I’m impervious to self doubt and that definitely isn’t true.
Some people think I’m impervious to lacking confidence and that simply isn’t true either!
“I’m human! Let me be human and feel my feelings!” I immediately retort whenever someone is surprised by my humanity when I choose to vulnerably share the my feelings of inadequacy.
And in return, I get some form of “But you’re so confident, I just thought…”
People often mistake my courage, confidence, work, and action to mean I don’t feel fear, am not made to feel as though I don’t belong**, doubt myself, or lack confidence.
Before I became a Black woman who challenged her fears, I was fearful. I felt fear. I still feel fear. Fear has held me back and paralyzed me until I decided that I was ready to face it. Whatever it is. It still does, until I make a decision to do it differently.
I feared working clinically before I even decided to go to nursing school. Did you know that?! I bet you didn’t! And for over 10 years before deciding to go to nursing school, I didn’t even think I was smart enough to become a nurse! Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that, either! And look at me now, the “favorite nurse” inna di whole place! And no, that’s not an exaggeration, that’s simply restating what my clients (aka patients) have told me. Repeatedly. (Obvs the Jamaican patois addition was my own lol)
**Henceforth– actually, for a few years now– I no longer call myself an imposter or say “I have imposter syndrome” because let’s be for real y’all, I am discerning about where I go and with whom I go and whose I am and I *know* I belong in every room I enter. I practice walking into rooms like God himself sent me there! I go with the strength and courage and dignity of my ancestors. Trust me, I belong. It’s the mediocre people in those rooms who are threatened by me and my Blexcellence and want me to feel as though I don’t belong… But I do! Let’s call a thing a thing. Let’s call things by their names. After all, words mean things! I’m not ever an imposter. I am divinity personified, and I belong and I have the capacity to do the work that is called upon me in those rooms, otherwise I would not have chosen to enter them. So scram, mediocres, scram! And watch me work in excellence and with ease, grace, gentleness, and love. You know what the Bible calls that? “Preparing a table before my enemies“. And “heaping hot coals on their heads.” Mediocres, those riddled with fear, watch me work! Watch me do what you fear you could not and what you fear I could. Enjoy the show!
From Fear to Faith: Discovering Strength in Nursing
Fear is the inverse of faith.
The Game of Life and How to Play it (1925) by Florence Scovel Shinn**
[Side note: Did you know there are a gaggle of free audiobooks available on YouTube? Listen to this book on YT for free fifty free here!]
That struck me. I’ve read this book fifty eleven times and that one line stays with me. It lingers like the crisp, sweet, cooling taste of a refreshing lemonade on a hot summer’s day. Want to increase your faith? Face a fear!
Not to mention, “faith without works is dead”. We’ll all read that passage. (Read more of my take on that passage in Small Steps, Big Faith Series, 2 of 2: Faith And Deeds: Manifesting Miracles In The Mundane.)
And here’s what I know to be true: On the other side of fear is faith. It’s God. I meet God each and er’ time I face a fear. 100%. 10 outta 10 times (look at me being a rebel starting a sentence with a number– suck it, academia!). God never fails to meet me when facing my fears.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4 KJV
Empowering Transformation: My Roles as a Registered Nurse
Trust me when I say this verse takes on a new, deeper meaning after working clinically, after doing a thing I feared. Yes, I wanted to become a nurse, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have any fears about it! I have one full-time job and it has various names, choose one: Behavioral health nurse. Psych nurse. Detoxification nurse. Medication nurse (passing meds). Floor nurse (assessing patients).
Behavioral health nurse. This is where I excel. Conversation. Relationship. I became a nurse to help transform others the way I’ve been transformed. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Can I help them think differently?? When my clients ask me questions, can I answer them… In a way in which they can receive it, understand it, accept it, and own it? Because if I answer Billy in the way Jane can receive it and not Billy, I did Billy a disservice. This is where I thrive! When I started this job I was afraid I’d say the “wrong thing.” And now? Here’s what a client said to me, about me:
You’re a comforting entity. A compassionate and caring entity. You always say the right thing. You’ve never said the wrong thing!
A client
Medication nurse (passing meds). Babes, I was big scared of medications. Yeah, I learned some of them in nursing school. Yeah, I heard of many of them in passing. But baaayby! Let me tell you if there’s one thing Imma do, it’s tell people when I don’t know something so they can help me, most especially because I overstand the weighted responsibility of being a nurse. Give the right med to the wrong patient? Give the right med but wrong dose to the wrong patient?! Give the right med to the right patient and they have an adverse reaction? What’re the adverse reactions? Somebody call the nurse! Oh wait. That’s me?! lol!
When I started my job, I shared my fears about being the med nurse and one of my peers, in his great wisdom said, “No one expects you to know everything. Do what you’re most afraid of first and learn it. You’ll be fine!”I doubted that last part but I trusted him and his experience more than I trusted myself so I dove right in and spent the first few weeks on meds so I could learn them.
So imagine me, the first night by myself and I really was like “So y’all just gone leave me like this?!” …And they did! And you know who was with me? GOD! I prayed like I ain’t never prayed before. I called on him like I ain’t never called on him before. And you know what happened? He answered! I caught my own errors! But like, is it even an error when you notice it immejjjiately?! NO! While at the med window, a client read the 5 Rights of Administration posted on the wall in front of me. Meds are to be give to: the right patient, the right drug, the right time, the right dose, and the right route.
Them: Why do you have that?
Me: Can you imagine what could happen if I gave your phenobarbital [a barbiturate used to treat alcohol use disorder] to a patient who has opioid use disorder? Or if I gave his Suboxone [an opioid used to treat opioid use disorder] to a client who has alcohol use disorder??
Them: *laughter* Oooh, I see how that could be a problem! Thanks for doing your job so well.
Convo with an appreciative client
Here I am telling my clients, “I hope you come to see yourself as I see you. You are powerful, courageous, bold, smart, kind, thoughtful. You are amazing! You are phenomenal!” And here they are doing the very same for me.
I Am a Beacon of Hope
Registered Nurse. Change Agent. Black Girl Magic. Light. Womanist. Humanitarian. An “Entity”. Hope Dealer. Love. Mirror. Truth Teller.
Call me what you will. My purpose and vision are crystal clear. As I tell my clients, “There’s no place else I’d rather be and there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing.”
And as I sit here with my notebook open, reminding myself of how my clients see and know me, I know that they’re doing the same for me that I do for them. Here are just a few other gems my clients have shared with me:
You’re driven. You’re extremely smart and overly loving. You are gorgeous. You have to remind yourself of that because I don’t think you know that. You’re like a mother, but better– you’re are like everyone’s heart home. And I know everyone feels the same way because we talk about you outside [on smoke break]. You gotta be around for 2 millions years. People need you. You’re so smart and you don’t really know that, but you have an idea. You don’t know how smart you are.
Transcribed conversation with a client
When I arrived I was hopeless. There was no “lowest” for me because the fall felt like it never stopped. I called place after place with no avail. I wanted to give up but I had one last number. Sandstone. Within 24 hours, I was booked a bed. I was thrown a life jacket. From the moment I walked in I could feel myself being pulled towards the life boat. Some days the tide pulled me away but I never let go of the line.
I was vulnerable while I was here and I knew I needed to be to get the help I needed. Because of me being able to be vulnerable I was able to let in people who I never would expect. YOU. You have been my rock in here. One might say my Captain [inside joke, move along!]. The way you treated me and talked to me made me know the voices in my head were a lie. You pulled me in the boat!! I am forever grateful.
Thank you and much love.
Note from a client
Joval- I could not and will never forget your name, nor the positive impact you have had not just on my experience but me personally in such a short period of time. This is possibly one of the most difficult obstacles I have ever had to take on and your love, compassion, and support has not only made it easy, but a pleasure. You have a true gift. I’ve witnessed it with how you genuinely care about all of your patients, not just me. You are GORGEOUS inside and out. Never change and never stop helping people- it’s your DESTINY. All my love
Note from a client
Triumph Over Adversity: Celebrating Successes After Journeying to Victory
I could never have known what was awaiting me on this side of my fear if I didn’t press on. And baby I had to preeeeeeeess oooooon! God alone knew what I needed when I needed it. My transformation wasn’t for me alone. It’s sooo much bigger than me!
I wanted to become a nurse in 2007 when I first began thinking about grad school, but I chose teaching instead because I (erroneously) believed I wasn’t smart enough, thanks to a C- in intro to chemistry my freshman year of college (in 2001!). While in nursing school, I was traumatized by professors who didn’t know how to teach well. (You do know that the qualifications for higher ed are simply, if you have a degree in the field you can teach, right?! Meanwhile, to be a K-12 teacher, you kinda gotta study to be a teacher. Teaching is, after all, an art and a science.)
Nurses are people and people be people’ing er’where they go! “Nurses eat their young” is a real thing– the American Nurses Association even ran a national campaign about it!– and some of these crotchety old nurses hated seeing me– a young, Black woman with more experience and professional range than they had. Babes, play with ya mama, not with me! The discrimination and hatred would’ve been intolerable to others, but I knew I was there for a reason. So I did what I knew to do, what God directed me to do. Tired? Rest. I took a semester off from school, rested, and continued on with even more power, strength, grace, ease, and flow. (Catch more of a glimpse about my journey to and through nursing school here.)
Those mediocre professors hated seeing me excel. They hated when I went from 3.0 and miserable my first semester to 4.0 and thriving! They hated me walk across that stage at graduation. And guess what? The raggedy ones who may not have moved for me while in school? Who refused to treat me like 5/5ths of a human? Best believe they, and the entire audience, moved for my 100 year old grandmother when she walked with me across that stage on graduation day to pin me when they gave her the standing ovation she is worthy of. They hated it. AND I LOVE IT!!! See it for yourself here.
Facing Fears with Boldness: A Call to Courageous Action
When we’re bold and courageous enough to face our fears, we meet God and he gives us,
Exceedingly and above more than I could ever ask, think or imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
Why do I face my fears?! Because each time I do, I’m rewarded with something far beyond my wildest expectations. Something that money can’t buy. That only love, gentleness, and patience can. With God, I am powerful! This. This is what I live for! This is who I live for! Not for myself. Not for my parents or my family or my friends. I know now that the pains and wounds and traumas I experienced have a purpose!
As I was reminded today, I don’t heal only for me. No! When I heal, I heal the 7 generations that came before me and the 7 that come after me. And that’s just in my family! But because I’m committed to my healing, my recovery, my transformation, I am healing families. I am healing brave, bold, courageous souls who are bold enough to whisper, say, scream, or even be compelled by others to say, “Help! I can’t do this alone! HELP!” And we throw them a lifeline, and I do my part to warmly welcome them, share loving and affirming words, give comforting medications, pass out cold Gatorades, do quick assessments, lead with curiosity, and so much more.
I face my fears because my faith grows exponentially on the other side of my fear. Because I grow exponentially on the other side of my fear.
I face my fears and I hope you’ll be “bold and courageous” and face some of yours, too.
Take a Small Step: Embrace Your Transformation and Who You Are Becoming
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You are worthy of every good, beautiful thing you desire. Your time to flourish and be fulfilled is now!
