I realized it. I finally realized it.
It was only a matter of time. It’s always only a matter of time.
Hi, my name is Joval and I’m a registered nurse. I work in psych, specifically in addictions/ substance use.
And as of late, at a shelter. Okay okay, it isn’t really a shelter, but it could be. It’s a substance use clinic for unhoused people. I started in early January, and there were about 4 or 5 weeks of below freezing temps. And in this below freezing DC winter, it’s been understandably used as a shelter.
I’ve worked in substance use since I got my first clinical job in 2023. I’ve had clients seize (a high risk, possible side effect of substance use withdrawal, most especially for alcohol use disorder), one who even hit his nose on the table and had a serious nose bleed. I’ve seen some thangs, and cared for my clients through said thangs.
Nursing is stressful. There’s no doubt about it. I left my last job as a Director of Health & Wellness after just a 5.5 months because it turns out there’s never enough money to live so stressed that it negatively impacts your health.
But to be honest, it wasn’t until a patient decompensated and went into psychosis at this current job (this surely isn’t the first time this has happened, btw) that I realized just how stressful this job is.
But it’s not the job, it’s the system.
This isn’t my first job as an RN. Or my second. Or my third.
But it is the first time that I realized the American healthcare system can’t ever give me what I need to thrive. While I aim to help others thrive, it’s truly draining me.
This is the first time I realized—fully, wholly, entirely!—that the American healthcare system is reeeally fucking broken.
It’s funny, isn’t it? For something to be broken and functioning exactly as it was meant to.
As a woman of the global majority* and as someone who seeks “healthcare” in the American healthcare system, the inadequate, siloed, fragmented care is killing me.
And as a woman of the global majority and as someone who works in the American healthcare system, the stress of it is trying to kill me, too.
*Because very disrespectfully, fuck me calling myself a “minority”. There ain’t nothing minor about me or my melanin. The real minority?! White people. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?
The core tension is the cruel irony of pouring life into a system that extracts it: caring for the most vulnerable while being consumed by the very brokenness she witnesses daily.
And so, this is my declaration:
I’m leaving the U.S. Not to flee, but to free.
(That’s a bar, ain’t it?!)
Perhaps I thought I’d have more time. That working part-time would give me more time. But nope!
I choose myself more than I choose the familiar I’m accustomed to.
So stick around if you wanna follow me on my journey abroad. Stick around if you wanna watch me fly from the cage that I didn’t know didn’t exist until now.
Freedom isn’t free. It’s costing me something—the familiar, the known.
And a truth is? I love myself even more when I’m traveling internationally. The peace, the rest, the ease. And as someone who’s traveled to over 30 countries (thanks, mom and dad!), that pace of life is so sweet. So good. So healthy! And then there’s real food!
I lost a ton of weight when I spent a semester in Spain while in college. Maybe 30 or so pounds with absolutely no effort. When I returned, I thought I did something wrong. The only wrong thing? Returning to a country not created for me to thrive!
I thrived in the joy of Salamanca. The freedom to walk and move and be myself—not a Black woman, simply me. The fresh fruits and delicious chupitos (that’s shots, btw lol). The simple but delicious homemade meals. The plain yogurt with a huge tablespoon or of sugar. The midday siestas between classes. I loved it aaaall!
My move abroad isn’t about fleeing from this country. No. NO. NOPE! It’s about reclaiming my body, my life. It’s about living while I’m alive and not letting myself be a walking dead.
It’s about living the life now when I am fully well and can make the physical, mental, emotional moves that most people delay until their retirement.
It’s about America being expensive af. When I made 6 figures, I spent 4 figures every 2 months just to destress from work.
It’s about being who Love made me to be—bold and courageous:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV
It’s about being who love made me to be. And it’s about embodying my research. After all, you know my capstone project that I completed while working on my Master’s of Nursing in Clinical Nurse Leadership? Yeah, it was:
Empowering Black Women by Reimagining Behavior Modifications to Treat Obesity:
A Whole-Person Approach Centering Stress Management
And so here I am, empowering myself. Because these 115 or so pounds I’ve gained? It’s stress related. So yes, moving abroad is more than de-tressing. It’s about living aligned, living abundantly, and living by faith.
A Prayer For Every Black Woman Choosing Herself and Freedom Over the Familiar
Love, thank you that where we are, you are, too. Thank you that we are love. Thank you that we can’t leave you. And that you can’t leave us and won’t ever forsake us.
As we continue to journey ahead, we thank you in advance that we are met with grace, mercy, goodness, wonder, awe, delight, ease, and flow. Thank you for abundant life. So abundant it overflows. So abundant all the good flows from us and onto others.
May all of these things flow not only to us and for us, but through us.
And so it is. It is written. It is spoken. And it is certainly done. In spirit, and in truth. Ase. Ameen. Amen.
